You will remain the same until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change -Tony Robbins | Life Lessons Series

You will remain the same until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change -Tony Robbins | Life Lessons Series

Life Lesson Series: Lesson #9

"You will remain the same until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change." -Tony Robbins

I was previously one of those individuals who never embraced change. Change is like the surprise party your workplace throws you that you didn’t want, you are underdressed for and the room is full of people you don’t actually know or even like. Change is the transition from the predictable to the unpredictable, from the known to the unknown and from certainty to anxiety-ridden uncertainty. Change however, like death or taxes is an inevitable and unavoidable part of life. It is usually never easy and almost always painful like Tony Robbins said when he defines the process one goes through when experiencing change.

Three years ago I experienced the very real and painful process of changing the direction of my life’s journey. I had been dealing with mental illness for many years and feeling stuck in it. I believed to that point I was doing everything I could to manage my illness, I was taking my medication, I participated in higher education in order to re-invent myself, I started and ended several careers, I filled my timetable with therapy and support groups, I became a mental health advocate speaking publicly about my experiences with Bipolar disorder, I started a podcast and I worked in mental health as a Peer Support Specialist. But the hidden reality of my life was that I was also addicted to marijuana, I suffered from severe anxiety that kept me up most nights and even with all I had accomplished over the years I was not truly taking care of my mental or physical health.  

I was like a pressure cooker ready to explode until one day I finally did. In the winter of 2022, I attempted to end my life in what would have been a spectacularly painful way. I will not go into details about the attempt but I will say it was the catalyst to change in my life. By the following year I was homeless and living in a women’s shelter. During my stay there my body exploded into so much physical pain I had to stretch multiple times daily just to climb up and down the stairs of the shelter and to get up and down the ladder of the top bunk of the bed I was assigned. Walking was painful, sleeping was uncomfortable and my appetite was non-existent. I continued to use, convincing myself that marijuana was giving me the only release I received in a day.  

When I was housed in the spring of that year another vicious cycle began– the cycle of hospitalization. I was admitted to two psychiatric wards eight times within a year where I was kept isolated and heavily medicated due to extreme psychosis. I experienced delusions and visual and auditory hallucinations that were treated with various medications but nothing seemed to help my broken mind and my hopeless spirit. During my last hospitalization in the Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU), I was transferred to a mental health hospital to receive more acute and critical observation and care. It was in this medical facility that I realized the pain of remaining the same was greater than the pain of change. 

Though the beginning of my sobriety journey was forced by my confinement, once again the pain I experienced dealing with withdrawal symptoms was not as great as the self-medicating addiction I had struggled with for over 15 years. The pain and uncertainty of when the next manic episode would appear became less and less as four months of residency in hospital became the time I needed to learn to manage my illness. Change was occurring daily within the walls of that psychiatric hospital, teaching me that though it can be painful change was necessary for personal growth. Remaining trapped in an endless cycle of chaos and pretending that I was making movements towards being better, I realize now was far more painful than actually working proactively toward making real and lasting change.  

Today, I am almost a year and a half sober, I have a beautiful home, I have stability in my mental health, I practice daily self-care, I have family and friends that support me and are proud of the progress I’ve made and I have a better understanding of the meaning and importance of embracing change. Change began with the pain of knowing and understanding that my life would remain paused unless I acknowledged the truth of my situation, the truth that was buried inside my deteriorating mind, body and soul. My physical, mental and emotional pain derived from inaction, fear and self-loathing so in order to move forward, to embrace change I had to address the most ugly parts of myself or I would remain stuck and as painful as that process was, as painful as the transition from immobility to change was I am now in a better and more peaceful place.

Now  I feel change is necessary for me to continue the forward movement into a brighter and healthy future. I embrace the process knowing it may be uncomfortable but the discomfort of remaining the same is no longer an option for me. Thank you Mr. Robbins, you taught me that “I will remain the same until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change.”