Onika L. Dainty

Disclosing My Mental Illness: When and How I Share

When I was a guest on the CBC docuseries “You Can’t Ask That: Season 2” in 2020 viewers anonymously  asked questions about living with Bipolar disorder that were personal and very thought provoking. One of the questions asked of me was “would you disclose your mental illness on a first date?” This was several years ago when I actually wasn’t actively dating and my response was the following: “I disclose my condition on the first date, right away. I mean Bipolar is tattooed on my arm, I have no desire to hide who I am or what I have. If they don’t like it they can leave. I don’t want someone who doesn’t accept me.”

I was pretty proud of my answer but a few years later I actually started dating and realized although transparency in dating is important for building trust between you and a potential partner it's also important to show caution when revealing something deeply personal about yourself. With all its complex layers Bipolar disorder is not a condition that can be explained over a dinner date or sitting in a movie theatre or in a text stream. Honesty and trust are foundational pillars of every good and longlasting relationship but honesty and trust is a two-way street that takes time to build. Before you walk down the road of transparency and reveal the details of your mental health journey ask yourself the following questions:

• How much does my potential partner have knowledge and understand about the world of mental health and mental illness? Are they open to learning?

• How transparent has my potential partner been with me?

• Does my potential partner show compassion and empathy toward others?

• What kind of communicator is my potential partner?

• Is my potential partner a good listener?

• Does my potential partner have any personal experience with mental illness (parent, sibling or friend dealing with mental illness)?

Disclosing Your Mental Illness: Some Things to Consider 

Once you can confidently answer the above questions about your potential partner you can then make an informed decision on whether or not to disclose your condition in a way that will foster support, understanding and open-communication between you and your potential partner. Some things to consider before disclosing your mental illness:

• Timing is Everything: Choose and set aside a reasonable amount of time to have a serious discussion about both your and your potential partner’s mental health journey. Allow time for information processing and questions. Avoid times where your potential partner can’t be present in the moment, is preoccupied with a task or is under stress. It's always a good idea to tell your potential partner you want to discuss something important and ask to schedule time to have an in-person conversation.

• Environment is Key: Choose a space that you feel comfortable, relaxed and safe having this challenging discussion and where your potential partner can feel comfortable receiving the information. For example, sitting in your car by a lake will give you more privacy than a noisy coffee shop or restaurant.

• Do Your Research: By now you know the cycle of your Bipolar disorder but how well do you know Bipolar disorder generally? Start with the basics, what the illness is classified as, the different types, elements of Bipolar disorder (depression, anxiety, hypomania, Mania and Psychosis) and symptoms of an episode (hyper-spending, pressured speech, disorganized thinking, hyper-sexuality). Remember your potential partner may know nothing about this mental health condition so it will be up to you to be the educator.

• Use Positive Language: When speaking on Bipolar disorder use neutral or positive language for example “I live with and manage Bipolar I disorder” instead of “I am Bipolar.” Avoid words like “unstable,” “psychotic” or “crazy.” Use positive recovery based language when describing your experiences, terms like “overcome” or “actively maintain” or “wellness journey” that emphasize your struggle but also emphasize your recovery and management of this complex illness. 

• Share Feelings and Fears: Be transparent about your feelings, struggles and challenges in your mental health journey. Share where you are currently at in your Bipolar management. Share what's in your self-care toolkit but also share your fears about the future outcome of the disclosure conversation. Showing your vulnerability may be challenging but taking the steps to foster open and honest communication around your mental illness can promote confidence, self-compassion, self-love and self-awareness regardless of the results of disclosing your experiences with mental illness. 

• Space to Process: Disclosure can be an intense experience so it's important to allow your potential partner to process their feelings and fears without judgment. Give yourself and your potential partner grace and space to allow for whatever is going to happen next in your relationship. Ask your potential partner to write down any questions or concerns they may have about your mental illness and the future of your relationship. Allow your potential partner the time they need to consider your disclosure and ask the questions that may come up in the processing phase. Again, choose a neutral, quiet and safe space to continue the conversation when both pirates have had time to reflect.   

Final Thoughts

Disclosing your mental health status can be challenging for both individuals. When you are in the early phases of dating someone there are a lot of hopes and expectations for the direction the potential relationship can go. There are also the fears and anxieties that your potential partner won’t be receptive to your mental illness. In my experiences with dating I realize now that my disclosure plan to share right away is based on my personal fears of rejection and lack of trust that my potential partner will not accept me. However, over the years I have experienced both personal growth and self-awareness which have taught me that I am not my mental illness, Bipolar disorder doesn’t define or overshadow the wonderful things about my personality or what I have to offer in a dating relationship. 

Therefore, I have become more discerning about the process of disclosure and transparency. Instead of blurting out my diagnosis on day one, I show patience and give my potential partner grace to get to know who I am as a person, not just as a person with a mental illness. There is no guarantee that they will want to continue with the dating relationship once all is revealed but I allow both of us an opportunity to learn about each other, our values, ambitions, personality traits. There have been instances where I made the decision that a potential partner was not a match for me based on what I discovered in the dating process which saved me the trouble of disclosing. Remember your dating experience is yours to navigate in the way that best suits you and best protects your mental health and wellness.

When you are dealing with a challenging mental illness like Bipolar disorder and you are entering a dating relationship it is important to be transparent and have trust in yourself and your potential partner that disclosure will go in a positive direction. It is also important to build that trust and foster understanding before revealing an aspect of your mental health that for most people is deeply personal and often associated with difficult past experiences. Give yourself time in your dating dynamic to grow and develop a bond based on trust, connection and mutual understanding. 

Finally, if you feel you are not ready to disclose your mental health status to a potential partner, consider whether or not you are ready to engage in the more challenging aspects of a relationship like honesty, trust and open-communication. Remember, disclosure of your mental illness is a deeply personal choice and only you can decide how to navigate the dating pool. Regardless of the outcome of disclosure of your mental illness in a dating relationship its important that you recognize how challenging and emotional the process of transparency can be, so if you do decide to journey down the path dating and disclosure remember to feel proud of your decision be honest with your potential partner and the bravery it takes to be open about your mental health journey which will always result in positive outcomes for the future of your relationships.