Bipolar I disorder is a mood disorder characterized by extreme highs (hypomanic, manic and psychotic episodes) and extreme lows (depressive episodes). When you have Bipolar disorder you are not always aware of how your illness affects the way you relate to the people in your life. Family, friendships, personal and work relationships all take on a different meaning under the lens of mental illness especially a mood disorder like Bipolar. Characterized by fluctuating moods Bipolar disorder can make it difficult to manage and ultimately maintain positive relationships especially during manic or depressive episodes. The unpredictability of the illness can be exhausting for the people involved in your life, like a never-ending rollercoaster with unpredictable emotional twists and turns that leave others feeling burnt out and pessimistic about the future of the relationship.

My Relationship Journey

I’ve written about romantic relationships (Manic Love) and toxic friendships but I have yet to address the close relationships that have been challenged and put to the test due to the ups and downs I experience during my manic phases. These connections both family and friends have been placed under pressure on countless occasions due to my Bipolar episodes made even more severe by substance use. My family and friends stood by my side as long as they were able but eventually had to let me go to find my way back to myself and to them. It wasn’t only my mental health that was at risk, it was also their mental health that was being affected by my unpredictable behavior. 

When I am in the midst of an episode there is always a risk that I will lose the people in my life whether temporary or permanent, this is the consequence of the chaos Bipolar I disorder brings. Whether it's a work, family or friend relationship in Mania I’m unrecognizable and extremely difficult to deal with leaving people feeling tired and hopeless in our interactions. I’ve been fired from jobs due to misunderstandings during episodes my employer didn’t even know I was experiencing. 

My friends have walked away from me because they were overwhelmed and needed to prioritize themselves. I’ve gotten into explosive arguments with family members while manic forcing them to retreat from my life. Then there are those relationships that have lasted through all my Bipolar trials, these people have never given up on me regardless of the condition I find myself in. So, how have I managed to keep the few in the face of losing so many? Open and honest communication, understanding and empathy and respecting boundaries.

Open and Honest Communication

Communication is one of the most important pillars in a healthy relationship dynamic. Being open and honest with family and friends about your mental health struggles is key to maintaining transparency on your journey to wellness. I have had challenges being honest about my mental illness and substance use with friends and family over the years. There is a lot of shame, guilt and stigma surrounding mental illness that made it difficult to express what I was experiencing especially once the symptoms of Bipolar took over an already fragile and fearful mind. 

I didn’t want to be judged, I didn’t want to be disliked but mostly I didn’t want the people I loved to walk away from me if I opened up about how broken I felt inside. In my Mania, although I seemed fearless, the fear of abandonment ran deep and I hid behind a facade made of lies and half-truths. I finally came to the realization that the person in my relationships that I most needed to be open and honest with about my struggle with mental illness was myself.

By pretending nothing was wrong and I was okay I did a disservice to my loved ones and myself. When chaos would finally erupt inside me I would be equally as surprised as everyone around me. I could never predict my episodes because there was a part of me that believed if I acted the right way, said all the right things, had a good and stable job I could hide from my friends and family the fact that I was neither good nor stable, I was struggling internally and teetering on the edge of self-destruction. When I finally started being honest with myself, when I let go of the fear, shame, guilt and self-loathing it was easy to start being honest and open with those around me. Self-acceptance and self-compassion led to a dialogue with my friends and family that fostered a relationship full of understanding, empathy, patience and overwhelming support. 

Understanding and Empathy

When I became a Peer Support Specialist I vowed to share my experiences around mental illness and the mental healthcare system in hopes that my story would foster understanding and empathy in others. Since I began my mental health  journey I have experienced the stigma that caused people struggling with mental illness to stay locked inside themselves because oftentimes they feel misunderstood especially by those closest to them. I empathize with this feeling as I was once there. 

When you have a shared history with someone either a close friend or a family member, they have a perception of who you are based on their lifelong experiences with you. When you introduce mental illness like Bipolar disorder which has the power to change your entire personality, their perceived ideas about you go out the window, essentially they cease to understand who you are or who you have become in your illness. 

It is up to you to help them reframe their perceptions and inspire empathy and understanding for a circumstance they see but still can’t imagine. So, I focus on educating the people closest to me, my friends and family so they have a better understanding of my illness, my behavior when experiencing symptoms and how they can support me through my turbulent episodes. However, even with new found wisdom, understanding and empathy these relationships will continue to be tested without  setting boundaries that protect both our mental health and strengthen our relationship during a manic phase.     

Respecting Boundaries

My family and friends have had to set some hard limits with me over the years. The truth is when I’m unwell, specifically in Mania I tend to violate my loved ones boundaries though unintentionally I cross their time boundaries, for example contacting them at all hours of the day and night, as well as their emotional boundaries, often calling in extreme distress or incoherent and uncontrollable tears that they are simply not equipped to deal with. 

I’ve learned over the years that crossing boundaries such as these is extremely difficult for my family and friends and causes strain on their mental health as well as their ability to provide me with continued support. So, when I experience wellness I use open communication with my loved ones and ask honest questions like,

“What are your limits of support when I’m unwell and what can I do to make sure you feel supported during an episode?” 

“Do you prefer I text you while I’m experiencing an episode with updates on my progress?”

“Do you want to be an active member of my support circle which includes daily phone calls and home or hospital visits?”

Although some of these questions come with difficult answers, they are all built around love, support and mutual respect. Sometimes the only way my family and friends can support me is by stepping back from what can be an extremely overwhelming, often stressful and usually volatile experience. In my journey however, I’ve been fortunate to have a close connection with someone who has stuck by my side regardless of how rough the waters get. 

My mental health mentor has been a part of my journey for almost 17 years,  she is my greatest supporter, acting as friend, family, advisor, advocate and substitute decision maker while I’m hospitalized. She is knowledgeable not only about my mental illness but also resources in my community. She is listed as my emergency contact for Wellness Checks and she manages my home and finances when I’m unwell. But even she and I have developed boundaries over the years that make our relationship mutually beneficial, strengthened our bond and fostered unconditional love and support. 

I also have friends and family members  that I know will answer my distress calls when I’m in need. On my call tree they are listed as my 2 minute, 5 minute and 30 minute team calling my back in those windows of time when I leave an S.O.S message or text. My college roommate (5 minute friend) has pulled her car full of three children and husband over when I send out the signal because she has been a part of this journey from the beginning and our shared history gives her an understanding of how much her continued support means to me. Again, because over the years we have developed good boundaries she knows that if I cross one with a phone call at an inconvenient time I really need her support. 

My little cousin (he’s in his early 40s) is my 2 minute responder. He has firsthand experience with the destruction I can cause in my home in manic-psychosis and has had to keep me on the line while calling 9-1-1 for a Wellness Check and subsequent hospitalization. Boundaries between us are very important but he too realizes if I’m crossing a time boundary for example, his first questions when he picks up are “Are you OK?Are you safe?” Because he has also been on this journey with me for a long time, he has empathy and understanding when I’m severely struggling.   

Final Thoughts

Managing and maintaining relationships when dealing with a serious mental illness like Bipolar disorder, is not easy. I’ve had to learn some hard lessons about how to conduct myself in my relationships with family and friends and also manage the pendulum of mood swings that characterize Bipolar I disorder. I’ve lost a lot of connections along this journey to wellness, some I called friends and others were members of my family. The saying “Some people are in your life for a reason and others are there for a season,” resonates with me as those that have lasted the test of Bipolar disorder giving my unconditional love and support even when I was at my worse are the individuals that God truly gifted to me knowing I couldn’t walk this road alone. 

For the individuals I only had a season with, you are loved, missed and appreciated for the lessons you taught me about myself and how to value the people that are still in my life. To the relationships that might still have life and love left in them again you are loved, missed and appreciated and I hope one day we will find our way back to each other and rebuild on a foundation based on honesty, mutual respect, empathy and understanding, boundaries and unconditional love.