Onika L. Dainty

 Dating Men with Mental Illness and/or Substance Use Concerns

Engaging in relationships with partners that struggled with mental illness and/or substance use, in retrospect, was detrimental to my mental health. There was a level of understanding and empathy because we were going through similar experiences in life. Essentially, trauma bonding was a major component in dating turned to longterm and toxic relationships. I disclosed my mental health and substance use struggles almost immediately and without consideration of how the knowledge would affect my partner's perspective on the relationship dynamic. When examining my vulnerability with my previous partners I have concluded that several key issues were prominent in the relationship.   

• Financial Abuse

• White-Knight Syndrome

• Substance Use Enabling

Financial Abuse: Several partners upon hearing I was mentally ill and vulnerable started asking me for financial support almost immediately and this cycle of abuse went on for months with some and years with others. Because I believed we shared a unique bond and similar life experiences I felt obligated to play the role of financial rescuer when my partner expressed they were in need.

White-Knight Syndrome: Characterized by the need to rescue or fix others, often at the expense of one’s well-being. My first partner was present when I was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder but was also aware of the substance use issues, depression and anxiety that precipitated my diagnosis. Once I became very sick he burnt out with his constant need to rescue me from myself and shelter me from the realities of my illness. This dynamic however, was also something I engaged in with other partners once I discovered they struggled with issues around mental illness and substances. I have been guilty of believing I can save my partner from their addictions or be their primary support during mental health struggles even while dealing with my own.   

Substance Use Enabling: I once dated a partner who had serious substance use issues. While I was in the process of attempting to get sober from my own substance use concerns he continued to use and encouraged me to use marijuana (my former drug of choice) even with the knowledge that I was working on my sobriety. Because there were shared life experiences and I felt as though using substances with my partner was a form of loving connection. Even after the relationship ended I was unable to maintain my sobriety continuing to use substances until I sought the help I needed.  

Dating Men Without Mental Illness and/or Substance Use Concerns

I have dated a few men who did not have any notable mental health  or substance use concerns. These relationships ended quickly because I didn’t disclose my mental health condition. I was afraid they would walk away if they knew the truth so I hid behind a mask of wellness and made-up sobriety. I was not transparent, there was no trust, rather the dating and subsequent short-term relationship was based on the superficial rather than anything tangible. Ultimately, I ended these relationships because I feared being found out and I was uncomfortable with pretending to be something other than myself. Also, I was in an unhealthy mindset not having learned to manage my mental illness or sobriety. 

The Lessons I’ve Learned in Dating with Bipolar Disorder

The most significant lesson I have learned while dating with a mental illness is I have to love myself more than I love being with another person. A large part of developing self-love has been transparency with myself. Over the past two years I have avoided dating anyone because I realized there was serious work I needed to do around managing my mental health, maintaining my sobriety and addressing my trauma. These three elements of my life have become my full-time relationships with myself. I have worked hard and continue to work hard to ensure that I am mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally ready to be a partner to another person. Whether you struggle with mental illness or not, it is my belief that it is important to feel whole and satisfied with yourself before you enter into a relationship with someone else. I want my potential partner to have done the hard work to be ready for me. 

Final Thoughts 

I have developed a level of self-awareness, personal growth and self-love and I take pride in the woman I’ve become. I’m open to the possibility of a partner although I’m not a fan of the dating process but I’m prepared to face the good, the bad and the interesting. I have a list of what I want and don’t want in a potential partner based on my lived experience with dating.  I’m ready to be transparent about my mental illness, my past substance use and my present circumstance, trusting that the right person will show empathy, understanding and support as I continue on my journey to wellness. The experiences I have had thus far have served as a roadmap of the pitfalls of dating when living with mental illness. Fear of rejection and judgement of my mental illness has always been a big obstacle to happiness with a potential partner. I realize that there are zero guarantees or safety nets in the world of dating. You have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Trust that if you fall, the person you’ve been doing all the work for will be the one to catch you.