Onika L. Dainty

What is Codependency?

Codependency is a learned behavior that involves an unhealthy attachment to another person or relationship. It occurs when one person believes it's their job to “save” another person by catering to all their needs. A codependent person builds their identity and self-worth around this purpose and practices enabling behaviors that places themselves and the other person in a seemingly never ending cycle of dependency. This often happens when one party struggles with addiction or mental health concerns and the codependent person tries to shield them from the consequences of their behaviour.

When a person is supporting another in a healthy way there are boundaries, honest communication and balance in the relationship. No one is trying to save anyone else, rather the supportive person practices compassion and empathy while letting the other individual know that they need to seek help for their issues or concerns. A supportive person is self-aware and uses their judgment to make decisions about stepping back for the sake of their own mental health. A healthy supportive person knows when to let go, an unhealthy codependent person does not. The main behaviours and character traits of a codependent person are as follows:

• Consistently elevating the needs of others above your own

• Controlling behavior

• Self-sacrificing behavior

• Fear of rejection

• Lack of Self-love

• Lack of Boundaries

• Lack of Self-care

• Low Self-esteem/self-worth

Recognizing Codependent Patterns: Personal Reflection

My mother and I had a codependent relationship dynamic. I practiced codependency in seeking her validation in all things creating an unhealthy attachment style from the time I was a teenager until I took stock of this negative personality trait. My mother was a nurse that worked 12 hour shifts almost every day, she had a family which included my little sister, my father and my grandmother (before she passed away), as well as a household to manage and she couldn’t do it all. I am the oldest daughter so a lot of household responsibilities fell on me. This might seem like normal daughterly duties I’m referring to but it was more complex than that. I wanted to take the burden off my mother, I needed to hear that I was a good daughter, that I was loved and a valued member of my family, so I took on the role of house manager and caregiver to my whole family including my mother. 

By the time I was 17-years-old, I was considering where to go for post-secondary education and the university I was interested in was 4 hours from home. I was terrified to leave my mother because it had become like second nature to manage the household while she took much needed rest from the demands of her nursing career. My mother and I were like the co-captains of a team with three other team members that depended on us  so if I left, who would take care of her and the rest of the team? I actually spoke to a child psychologist about my concerns and his advice was “just be a kid.” I had taken on the role of my family’s saviour for so long that I simply didn’t know how to just be a kid.  

When I went away to university I was struggling with my mental health after being diagnosed with Depression and Generalized Anxiety disorder, I didn’t know where I fit after walking away from the codependent role I had at home. I wasn’t getting the daily validation from my mother, I was struggling in school and I sought love and attention from the wrong people. I would end my university career as a heavy substance user and within a year of graduation I would have my first manic episode. This is the point that the codependency dynamic between my mother and myself would shift and she would spend over a decade enabling me and trying to save the formally reliable daughter she no longer recognized.

My mother is a devout Christian, believing if she did the right things for her mentally ill daughter then all would be well. She tried to “pray the cray away,” but in doing that ignored the reality of the experience I was having, which only served to frustrate and anger me, placing a wedge in our already fragile relationship. The way she enabled me the most was to clean up the chaos and destruction I caused during my manic episodes so I never fully realized the damage I was doing to myself and others. She also tended to deny my drug use usually because of an idealistic sense of false hope. She tried tough love, eventually stopping the daily visits and food delivery when I was in hospital or by kicking me out of the family home but she made it clear she was always there for me emotionally and financially. This is what codependency looks like. 

During the pandemic I moved back in with my parents after an eight year departure to Toronto and this was a mistake that became detrimental to my already fragile mental health. The cycle of codependency began again and I realized it had never stopped; we had just taken a much needed break. I lived with my parents for two years before I realized I needed to change my behaviours and habits to find balance in our relationship, so I left. I was 40-years-old and I knew I had to finally run away from home in order to find myself. I’m not saying this is the only way to break free from a codependent dynamic but I knew it's what I needed to do, I needed space to think, to breathe. I had to learn to manage my mental health, get my substance use under control and address my issues around self-love, my self-esteem and my self-worth. Only with all of these elements in-line could I communicate effectively with my mother and set boundaries that were definitive. 

Some of the resources I used to break-free from codependency:

• Mind Over Mood, Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy principles, change how you feel by changing how you think. 

• Codependency No More, Melody Beattie: Learn the root causes of codependency and the steps needed to heal yourself, including establishing boundaries, cultivating self-trust, and taking part in a supportive recovery community. 

• The Set Boundaries Workbook, Nedra Glover Tawwab: A step-by-step resource for setting, communicating, and reinforcing healthy boundaries at home, work and in life.

• The Self-Love Workbook, Shainna Ali: A life-changing guide to boosting self-esteem, recognize your worth and find genuine happiness.

Final Thoughts

After doing the work I needed on my journey of self-awareness I have compassion and empathy for my mother and family having experienced a lot related to my mental health and substance use. Although my mother still falls into codependent habits our dynamic has changed dramatically. I set boundaries with her and effectively communicate my feelings and needs nurturing a stronger, more balanced bond between us. Codependency is a state of mind that one can unlearn if you are willing to however, it's important to note that it's usually not an issue with the other person (they may have other concerns), the actual codependent dynamic lives inside you and will continue to affect your mental health and the health of your relationships if you don’t stop and take stock of your actions and the role you play in fostering this unhealthy behavior. One of the most important and difficult parts of healing broken relationships and ending the cycle of codependency is self-reflection and the development of self-awareness. Remember you are not alone in your journey and everyday is an opportunity to do something you’ve never done before. So go forth and find your independence from  codependency.