Onika L. Dainty

The thing about toxic people is that they can sense vulnerability in others because they themselves lack positive characteristics that allow for stable and supportive friendships. Below are some characteristic of Toxic Friends:

• Lack of Trust: a toxic friend might gossip about  intimate details of your life with other people. You may also notice a toxic friend spends a lot of time gossiping about other friends, romantic partners or family members in their lives

• Manipulation: a toxic friend might use manipulation to get what they want from you. This manipulation can come in the form of guilt, shame or excessive compliments toward you.

• Jealousy: a toxic friend might be jealous of your other relationships and try to put a wedge between you and them. They may also be jealous of some aspect of your personality or lifestyle and might practice passive aggressive criticism to put you down.

• One-sided relationship: you might find yourself giving a disproportionate amount of time, emotional support or money to a toxic friend and receiving very little support in return.

• Lack of Boundaries: a toxic friend might ignore your boundaries or have no boundaries of their own. For example, not respecting your time boundaries by expecting you to be available to them whenever they call. 

• Trauma Bonding: if you and your toxic friend share similar past traumas you may find yourself becoming each others counselor and confidant instead of seeking professional help

• Substance use: a toxic friend might encourage you to use substances with them. Ultimately, the decision is always yours but the continued presence and pressure of substance use can take you down a dangerous road. 

I’ve written about Manic Love, falling into obsessive love in Mania,  but there is also the concept of  Manic Friendship, developing friendship bonds with other people with mental illness and substance use disorder. This quite possibly is one of the most toxic friendships that a Bipolar person can engage in. When you are experiencing symptoms of Bipolar disorder like hypo-mania, impulsivity, disorganized thinking and for me substance use entering into a new friendship with someone who has similar and unchecked symptoms is extremely dangerous to your mental health and future stability. 

Once, I reconnected with a woman who had serious substance use issues and unmanaged mental illness. I was dealing with losing my job due to the pandemic, the end of a toxic relationship with someone I met online and extreme isolationism and depression. When this new person entered into my already unstable world it turned into pure chaos. It began with trauma bonding over the death of her mother and led to almost daily use of cocaine which at the time was not my drug or choice but quickly became the substance we shared during long nights of commiseration and conversations filled with manic dreams for our future.

This on-going toxic friendship only served to exacerbate my emerging Bipolar Mania and diminish my already low self-worth. The friendship always felt one-sided with me supporting her emotionally through whatever imagined drama she usually created for herself, I was left feeling used and emotionally drained. Besides her substance use she participated in other risky behaviors like precarious sexual relationships, excessive spending sprees and self-harming activities all of which she looked to me for support and encouragement. Because of my need to please her and to maintain the friendship I couldn’t see how much of my own identity I had lost or how fast I was falling into manic-psychosis.

 I was no longer managing my mental health, I was no longer thriving or surviving, I was just lost. I blame myself for the state I was in not her though, we were two women with substance use issues and mental illness in a codependent cycle neither one of us knew how to end. For me the breaking point came after a full year of chaos when my mind finally broke and she wasn’t there. After everything that had gone on in this toxic friendship I expected someone who was unwell to save me from my unwellness and that was both unfair and unrealistic. 

If you are entangled in a toxic friendship here are some things to ask yourself:

• What’s my personal definition of a toxic friend? 
• How is this relationship adding value to my life?
• How does being around this person make me feel?
• How has this friendship changed me in good or bad ways?
• Who are the people who are still in my life affected by this friendship?
• Do I like myself when I’m with this person?

Make a pros and cons list around these questions and if the negatives outway the positives start taking the necessary steps to change your circumstance.

Final Thoughts

I realized during my journey of healing and recovery that the attachment I felt to this toxic friend was based on all the fears I mentioned earlier in this article. We were so similar in everything but we were never the same. I have always fought for my mental health and placed value in my wellness and recovery. I have goals and objectives for my future and spending time with her allowed me to forget and just take a break from my own reality. Having toxic people in your life is a choice not an inescapable circumstance. Sometimes communicating your needs, concerns and setting boundaries will insight change and detoxify your friendship but remember, even though everyone has the capacity to change, people do not always change at the same time or pace. I found it necessary because of the nature of my toxic friendship to do a Friend Detox: no calls, texts or social media contact. Essentially I no longer consider her a friend. 

I have made a lot of positive changes in my life since that time, I have made new and healthy friendships that speak to my vision and values for my future, I am proudly sober and in remission from symptoms of my Bipolar disorder. My primary goals are to continue to care for myself and my mental health. I have no room for toxic relationships that are a threat to my progress and peace. I affirm myself with daily positive acts of self-care, self-compassion and self-love forgiving myself for choices I made when I was in a hopeless place. If I feel like I’m engaging in a toxic friendship I seek the advice of the healthy friends in my support circle who remind me of my worth even when I forget. Like I said, if you are toxic you are not on my team.