Everything feels so bright and blinding and all the pretty colours distracting you from everything else that’s going on around you. The kaleidoscope stops you from seeing what’s actually happening to you, because of you. You are trapped inside yourself and the voice of reason that’s supposed to warn you that things are not as they seem is drowned out by all the pretty colours. But if you just reach out in front of you, you will realize what you are seeing isn’t real, what you are feeling isn’t real, what you are experiencing isn’t real, you are trapped by your own thoughts.
Nobody ever tells you that when you lose your mind you are fearless, weightless, floating with no idea where you are going to land and because you feel no fear you, feel no worry and when you fall, crashing down from that high nobody ever tells you what happens when you land, no one tells you about the wreckage below when you finally stop floating aimlessly and weightlessly in a world only you can see. When your feet touch the ground and clarity hits you, your fear returns and the harsh reality of all that has transpired must be faced.
Nobody ever tells you the hardest part about losing your mind isn’t the losing, it’s the comeback afterwards. Many people are not fortunate enough to attain a second chance. Their minds are too far gone to comprehend a world without the lens of a kaleidoscope. I am fortunate however to have lived in a world of second chance, more chances than I care to remember that I squandered. I have lost my mind many times over the years, each episode more damaging than the last but I have always managed to come back from the edge of insanity though I am still not sure why or how I’m still standing.
Final Thought
Bipolar 1 disorder can be a terrifying, dangerous and destructive illness. It’s not in experiencing Mania that I have experienced fear, rather as I said in my entry from earlier on in my journey it's the kaleidoscopic chaos that occurs when you are in a delusional state. In my wellness I have learned that I like to maintain a certain level of control over every aspect of my life. I have created structure, routine and habits to mitigate manic behaviours. The problem is no matter what systems I put in place, manic chaos lurks in the wings waiting to destroy all the hard work I have done to maintain my sanity. Therein lies the fear of Mania. When I’m experiencing an episode I am completely unaware of the destruction I’m causing to myself, my finances, my home, my career, my family and my friendships. What I have always labelled the comeback after the comedown is a period in my life where I have to face the damage I’ve done that often I don’t remember. I can say I’m sorry, I can express regret but in reality I don’t remember what I’m sorry for and what I regret. What I can say is that I continue to do what needs to be done to manage my mental health, I choose not to let fear of Mania dictate my future, I have faith and hope and an unwavering belief in myself and those that love and understand my illness that when another episode occurs we will be equipped to handle it together, no collateral damage necessary.
A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror.
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