Onika L. Dainty

I feel fear. I worry constantly over what ifs, and I have anxiety about my future. Even though I know these emotions are reasonable and rational, it doesn't stop the fear and anxiety from consuming me on a regular basis. I remember growing up feeling afraid of a lot of things a lot of the time. I learned brutal lessons at an early age that taught me to not trust, to doubt myself, to fear failure.

I fear disappointing people, I fear being disappointed by people; I fear being alone and I fear making connections; I fear being unloved or forgotten and I fear being remembered for the wrong things. But the biggest thing I fear is the vast unknowingness of the future.

I try to live a life of certainty, staying in the realm of things I can control. Some would call me a control freak, but I just think I’m careful, cautious. But I started to find in recent years that the carefully constructed world that I had created for myself was falling apart around me. I was losing everything, especially losing sight of my goals. I needed to make a change because being fearful was stopping me from following my dreams and achieving my goals. I realized that my future was mine to make so it was time to stop fearing the unknown and jump in both feet first regardless of the outcome. I vowed I would be fearless in my pursuit of happiness; I would take risks big and small to build and create the future I want for myself. It was time to feel the fear and do it anyway and that’s exactly what I did.

One year later, I am about to be a published author. I have my own podcast and my writing, pieces that I have held back for years are out there for all the world to read. I know I’m on the right track to reaching my destination. Do I still feel fear? Absolutely but I know those are just thoughts and worries. Thoughts are not facts and are not based in reality. I realized though my thoughts tend to go to dark places sometimes I have learned that breaking free from the darkness and having hope is ultimately the key to fulfilling the dreams I hold for my future. I have to have faith in myself and God that I’m going in the right direction because hope without faith is fear, and my new ambition is to move forward on my journey with fearless abandon.

Final Thought

I wrote the above entry in my first attempt at blogging in 2018. Life for me has changed a lot. Like I said I still feel fears and anxiety especially around my future success. Back then fear was all-consuming and I had very little confidence in my abilities. Although I had a successful podcast, The DaintyDysh Podcast where I had candid conversations about my mental health and the mental health of others in my community. Even though I was claiming the title of writer, podcaster and public speaker I felt like a fraud. I was constantly looking over my shoulder fearing that I would be found wanting, an untalented imposter. Even though I reference the book I read as a young girl, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by author Susan Jeffers, the fear never truly went away. It’s only now that I am living the truth of those words. I thought it was important to reflect on the fears that have always held me back, kept me stuck, and paralysed me making it impossible to move forward. A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 

Coming Soon

I have also decided to share with you the lessons that inspired me to be fearless and relentless in my pursuit of happiness and success. I will be posting the life lessons that have shaped and influenced my personal growth and development. A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection: 42 Years of Lessons series begins on December 30, 2024, my 42nd Birthday. It is my hope that these lessons will touch your lives and inspire positive change on your journey to wellness.