Everything feels so bright and blinding and all the pretty colours distracting you from everything else that’s going on around you. The kaleidoscope stops you from seeing what’s actually happening to you, because of you. You are trapped inside yourself and the voice of reason that’s supposed to warn you that things are not as they seem is drowned out by all the pretty colours. But if you just reach out in front of you, you will realize what you are seeing isn’t real, what you are feeling isn’t real, what you are experiencing isn’t real, you are trapped by your own thoughts.

Nobody ever tells you that when you lose your mind you are fearless, weightless, floating with no idea where you are going to land and because you feel no fear you, feel no worry and when you fall, crashing down from that high nobody ever tells you what happens when you land, no one tells you about the wreckage below when you finally stop floating aimlessly and weightlessly in a world only you can see. When your feet touch the ground and clarity hits you, your fear returns and the harsh reality of all that has transpired must be faced.

Nobody ever tells you the hardest part about losing your mind isn’t the losing, it’s the comeback afterwards. Many people are not fortunate enough to attain a second chance. Their minds are too far gone to comprehend a world without the lens of a kaleidoscope. I am fortunate however to have lived in a world of second chance, more chances than I care to remember that I squandered. I have lost my mind many times over the years, each episode more damaging than the last but I have always managed to come back from the edge of insanity though I am still not sure why or how I’m still standing.

Final Thought

Bipolar 1 disorder can be a terrifying, dangerous and destructive illness. It’s not in experiencing Mania that I have experienced fear, rather as I said in my entry from earlier on in my journey it's the kaleidoscopic chaos that occurs when you are in a delusional state. In my wellness I have learned that I like to maintain a certain level of control over every aspect of my life. I have created structure, routine and habits to mitigate manic behaviours. The problem is no matter what systems I put in place, manic chaos lurks in the wings waiting to destroy all the hard work I have done to maintain my sanity. Therein lies the fear of Mania. When I’m experiencing an episode I am completely unaware of the destruction I’m causing to myself, my finances, my home, my career, my family and my friendships. What I have always labelled the comeback after the comedown is a period in my life where I have to face the damage I’ve done that often I don’t remember. I can say I’m sorry, I can express regret but in reality I don’t remember what I’m sorry for and what I regret. What I can say is that I continue to do what needs to be done to manage my mental health, I choose not to let fear of Mania dictate my future, I have faith and hope and an unwavering belief in myself and those that love and understand my illness that when another episode occurs we will be equipped to handle it together, no collateral damage necessary.  

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 

Coming Soon

But shortly after I turned 33-years-old I lost my voice. And I’m not talking about losing your voice because you have a sore throat. For three days this past January 2016, I lost the ability to speak and no one could explain why. I got up one morning and I felt physically weak, disoriented and dizzy. I lived alone so I had no opportunity to say a word until I left for work. I remember taking an Uber in because I felt so unbalanced I could barely stand. When the driver said ‘good morning’ I attempted to reply, and the words came out slow and slurred.

I immediately called my mother and when I couldn’t reach her, I called my Grama Judie. I told her my symptoms and she said I should head to the hospital. For many reasons I dislike hospitals and refused to go, instead choosing the nearest walk-in clinic. I was barely in the door before I lost consciousness and collapsed. I was taken into one of the exam rooms and the nurse had called an ambulance. She was trying to keep me alert by asking questions, questions that I tried to answer but I couldn’t. I was confused and terrified because when I opened my mouth the answers I formulated in my head just wouldn’t come out.

The ambulance arrived and transferred me to St Michael’s Hospital in Toronto. By the time I arrived at the emergency room I had managed to give them basic information about myself as well as my phone to contact my mother. The doctors ran every test they could think of, they feared I may have had a stress induced stroke. The MRI, EKG and blood work came back normal. Because I disclosed my history of mental illness, the next step was a psychiatric evaluation. This was what I had been dreading.

It has been my experience that when a person suffers with mental illness, doctors tend to overlook physical symptoms and label the problem a psychological one then pass you off to the ER’s Psychiatric Crisis Team for assessment. I was terrified of being admitted to the psychiatric unit. I knew that the likelihood was this was a reaction to a new antidepressant I was taking but to admit that would be to risk getting admitted. Though it was a struggle I managed to make my wishes clear: There’s something physically wrong, I am not crazy, I do not feel like harming myself or others and I want to go home.

After asking me a series of questions that I was all too used to answering, the ER psychiatrist advised that she feared this may be psychosomatic but not something to be admitted over. My mother finally arrived, and the doctors cleared me to go home and have her monitor me for the next few days. The relief I felt was overwhelming.

During those three days of silence, I really started to question how I had gotten to this point. Maybe there was another reason, hidden deep inside myself that I was failing to examine. Since the new year started, I have been taking on more, pushing myself harder mentally, physically and emotionally. I was beginning to feel pressure at work, I was lacking in sleep, my appetite was non-existent, and I was running from the depression that historically took over my mind every Winter since I was 17-years-old.

I was doing too much, and I was wrestling with the darkest parts of myself. I was overwhelmed and I knew it had everything to do with my mental health challenges. I was tired of running from it, I was tired of keeping the secret of my mental disability from my friends, colleagues and anyone I had any significant connection with. It was like a gaping sore that refused to heal, that was a constant source of pain as if trying to tell me: Until you deal with me, I am not going anywhere.

I had been thinking about telling my story, telling the truth for a while and during this experience my mind was in a constant state of remembering. Remembering the dark reality of my past, retracing my steps to see where I could have changed things, worrying that once the carefully constructed mask that I had relied on for so long was crumbling in the face of this truth. Even though my voice was lost, my thoughts were finding their way to the surface. All the lies I had told to protect myself, all the things that I could only remember pieces of from all the times I lost my mind to the overwhelming sense of failure I felt every day since I was a child. I knew it was time to face all that I had done, all that I had been through. My body’s betrayal at this critical juncture of my life was telling me that if I were truly going to move forward, I had to speak my truth.

I was ready and I was not ready. I was certain and I was not certain. I was terrified and calm because I knew it was time for the words to come out. I knew if my voice returned, I had to use it to tell the story of a woman who was abused in so many ways; a woman who lost her mind so many times only to find it again; a woman who has done things she was ashamed of; a woman who survived when the odds were stacked against her.

I knew my story could help people like me see that it is possible to go through things, terrible, life-changing, dark and destructive things and still come out on the other side fighting and hopeful and determined to achieve the impossible. To come through everything while still having faith that the next step, the next journey, the next dream will be the right one, the better one, the one that will finally make you whole.

It is possible to believe that you can survive your pain, only suffering as long as it takes you to learn your lessons. Then you take that newfound knowledge and change your life into something authentic. I want to be a force for this kind of change in people’s lives, giving them hope that happiness lies beyond the darkest waters.

I have always known this was my purpose, but I hid my light for reasons that seemed far away and inconsequential in the face of losing my voice. It was a new kind of pain to think that I had wasted so many years hiding from the world, hiding from myself that now, when I was on the precipice of taking my place and serving my purpose, there was this new obstacle that I was not sure I could overcome.

If all the world’s a stage like Shakespeare once wrote, then those three voiceless days were my version of stage fright. I learned that as much as I was afraid of the truth, if I continued to hold it in, I was in danger of losing the opportunity all together. The labour of having to force out every word, syllable by syllable, at a snail’s pace as if I had never spoken before was eye-opening.

I thought to myself, “What now Onika? You have all these words locked inside your mind, you have hoarded all your experiences, all that knowledge and wisdom never really sharing it with anyone and now you have finally found some courage to speak your truth, and you have lost your voice…you have lost your way.” When my voice did return slowly over the following days, the relief I felt was palpable. It was like being given a second chance to start my purpose-filled, passion-filled journey.

It’s time to embrace something that has always been difficult for me—change. I need to be fearless and learn to embrace change like a warm hug instead of running from the danger of the unknown. I have to embrace the journey I am on and pray to God that He will be there to catch me if I fall again and to keep me grounded when I finally rise.

Final Thought

In 2016 fear had a strangle hold on me. I was living a lie believing that if I told the truth about my Bipolar diagnosis to my new employer, colleagues and friends I feared rejection, I feared isolation and I feared I would lose my job. I believed my disability was a deficit and a detriment to the new life I was trying to build in a new city. After years of manic episodes, depressive episodes and hospitalizations I convinced myself running from the truth of my circumstances was the only way. I thought reinventing myself based on a lie would keep me safe and would lead to my ultimate success. 

But the opposite occurred, all the lying and deception and running away from my truth took a mental, spiritual and ultimately physical toll on my body. It was my mama that taught me the lesson “Speak the truth and speak it always cost it what it may.” and in 2016 not telling the truth about a significant part of my life cost me my voice. I became lost in a lie and I remember bargaining with God that if I got my voice back I would use it to share the truth about my lived experience with Bipolar disorder, the good, the bad and all the ugly bits in between. That experience taught me how dangerous fear can really be and I am so grateful my temporary paralysis lifted and I’m presently living in the light of my truth. 

A Bipolar Woman’s Self-Reflection on Fear is a series of entries that will allow you a window into my past and insight on my present and the lessons I’ve learned over the years that have put fear in my rearview mirror. 

Understanding Depression and Anxiety in Women with Bipolar Disorder: Insights and Support

In this blog, we’ll explore how Depression and Anxiety manifest in women with Bipolar disorder, discuss treatment options, and share some strategies that have helped me along the way. If you’re just starting your journey, check out my previous article on How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide.

Understanding Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder marked by extreme highs (Mania) and lows (Depression). There are different types: Bipolar I, where Mania is more severe, and Bipolar II, where depressive episodes tend to dominate. For women, these mood swings can be even more intense due to hormonal changes like menstruation or pregnancy.

I’ve found that recognizing my mood patterns helps me prepare for what's coming. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it gives me a little more control over the chaos. It’s about understanding how my brain works and finding ways to work with it, rather than against it.

The Impact of Depression in Women with Bipolar Disorder

Depression with Bipolar disorder is more than just feeling sad. It’s an all-encompassing weight that drains your energy, your motivation, and sometimes even your will to live. I’ve gone through periods of uncontrollable crying, days spent in bed, and times where I couldn’t even muster the strength to shower.

For me, depressive episodes are often triggered by major life events, like losing a loved one, or even something as simple as seasonal changes. The worst part is the isolation—feeling like no one understands. But once I started reaching out for help, things slowly began to change.

Anxiety Disorders Coexisting with Bipolar Disorder

Anxiety can show up in a variety of ways. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety disorder (GAD) when I was 16 years-old, but my Anxiety started long before that. As a kid, I worried about everything—school, family, money. The racing thoughts were so loud that I would physically shake my head to try to quiet them down. It wasn’t until much later that I realized this was my Anxiety taking control.

My Anxiety often fuels my Depression, and sometimes it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. Self-medicating with substances like marijuana was a mistake I made in my 20s, thinking it would help. Instead, it propelled me into my first manic-psychotic episode, leading to my diagnosis of Bipolar I disorder. Learning to manage my Anxiety has been a crucial step in managing my overall mental health.

Treatment Options for Depression and Anxiety in Bipolar Disorder

Medication can be helpful, but it’s not always straightforward. I take anti-anxiety medication as needed, but antidepressants have never worked for me. In fact, they’ve made me feel worse—suicidal even. My psychiatrist says I’m “treatment-resistant” to antidepressants, which happens with some people who have Major Depressive disorder. Finding the right medication cocktail is essential, but it can take time.

Therapy is another critical piece. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has helped me change negative thought patterns, while Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) incorporates mindfulness practices to help manage emotions. Peer support groups have also been a safe space for me to share my struggles and connect with others who understand.

Lifestyle Changes and Coping Strategies

Managing Bipolar disorder isn’t just about medication and therapy—it’s about how you live your life. For me, self-care means prioritizing my physical and mental health. Eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly have become non-negotiable parts of my routine.

Mindfulness has also played a huge role in reducing my anxiety. Breathing exercises, yoga, and meditation help me stay grounded when my mind starts to race. It’s taken time, but I’ve learned that building a strong support network and finding community resources has been life-changing.

Advocacy and Resources

Advocating for myself didn’t come naturally. In the beginning, I was shuffled around in the mental health system, too scared to speak up. I didn’t feel like anyone would listen to the “Bipolar girl.” But once I started educating myself about my condition, I gained the confidence to speak up and demand the care I deserved.

As women, we often struggle to voice our needs. But finding your voice is key to navigating the healthcare system and getting the support you need. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and when you can’t, rely on your support team to advocate for you. There are more resources available today than ever before—spaces where we can move beyond the stigma and have real conversations about mental health.

Final Thoughts

Depression and Anxiety are tough enough on their own, but when combined with Bipolar disorder, they can feel impossible to manage. Understanding the connection between these conditions is the first step in regaining control. With the right treatment plan, lifestyle changes, and support system, you can find balance in your life.

If you or someone you know is struggling with Depression, Anxiety, or Bipolar disorder, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Together, we can foster resilience and create a path toward mental wellness. Let’s keep having conversations that take us beyond the stigma of mental illness. For more insights on managing bipolar disorder, check out my pillar post How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide.

Starting Next Week

If you're new to managing Bipolar disorder, check out my Comprehensive Guide on How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder.

Understanding the Emotional Landscape of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder doesn’t just throw your emotions off balance during manic or depressive episodes—it can mess with them even in between. Emotional dysregulation, where you have trouble controlling your feelings, is common for women with Bipolar disorder. Anger, shame, and guilt can become intense and overwhelming. These feelings are often tied to what happens before, during, and after an episode, so recognizing patterns is important.

I’ve experienced all of these emotions, sometimes within a short time span, and it often feels like my emotional pendulum swings from one extreme to another. Learning to understand how and why these emotions come up has been crucial for managing them.

How Anger Manifests in Women with Bipolar Disorder

Anger is tough, especially for women with Bipolar disorder. Society often labels women who show emotion as “dramatic” or “unreliable,” and those of us with Bipolar disorder are frequently called “crazy” or “unstable.” This stigma can make it harder to express anger in healthy ways.

For me, I rarely feel anger when I’m well, but during a manic episode, it can hit me like a storm. It’s overwhelming and feels out of control. What helps me is safe, aggressive exercise—like boxing or kickboxing. When I’m in that space, I can release the anger without causing harm. I also journal, which helps me process the feelings and understand where they came from once I’m back in remission. And having people around me, like my cousins and mental health mentor, who understand my emotional dysregulation has been life-saving.

Dealing with Shame: Overcoming the Internal Critic

Shame is another beast. During a manic-psychotic episode, I’ve said and done things that don’t feel like me. After the Mania fades, shame rushes in like a tidal wave. It’s an internal struggle, and I often can’t even remember what I did to cause this feeling. But I know that self-compassion and self-acceptance are the keys to surviving it.

I’ve had to remind myself that Bipolar disorder is a serious mood disorder that sometimes takes away my emotional control. Yes, I feel ashamed, but I also have to forgive myself. Learning to accept that this disorder is a part of me but doesn’t define me has helped ease the burden of shame.

Confronting Guilt and Moving Forward

Guilt, for me, is a little different than shame. Shame makes me feel like I am the problem, while guilt makes me feel responsible for the problems my actions caused. I’ve come to understand that while I can’t control having Bipolar disorder, I am responsible for managing it. And when I fall short—whether I miss medication or ignore self-care routines—I do feel guilty.

But staying stuck in guilt doesn’t help. I’ve lost people in my life because I wasn’t doing enough to take care of myself, and I’ve had to learn to forgive myself for those losses. Moving forward is about recognizing what I can do better next time and giving myself the space to grow.

Practical Coping Strategies for Anger, Shame, and Guilt

So, how do I manage these emotions? It’s taken years, but I’ve found some strategies that work. Breathing exercises, yoga, hiking, and aromatherapy are now part of my daily routine. These mindfulness techniques help ground me when my emotions are spiralling out of control.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) has been another life-saver. CBT focuses on changing thought patterns, which helps me manage the negative emotions that can lead to anger or guilt. While I’ve heard good things about Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), which incorporates mindfulness, my experience has mostly been with CBT.

The Role of Family and Friends in Emotional Support

Having a support system is crucial. Emotional dysregulation can be hard to explain, but once I educated my loved ones about it, they became more understanding. It’s important to set boundaries and communicate when you're in the middle of an emotional episode. My family now knows that when I lash out during  Mania, it’s the disorder talking, not me.

Encouraging understanding and reducing stigma has strengthened my relationships and created a stronger support system that I can rely on.

Final Thoughts

Anger, shame, and guilt don’t have to define your experience with Bipolar disorder. By learning to understand these emotions and applying coping strategies, you can regain control and improve your mental health. Whether it’s mindfulness techniques, therapy, or leaning on your support system, there are ways to manage these intense feelings.

Remember, healing is a journey, and by facing these emotions head-on, you’re already taking a huge step forward. Anger, shame and guilt can be the byproduct of this disorder but they don’t have to be the lasting end product. We are more than our illness and deserve forgiveness and understanding when we make mistakes. Ready to take the next step? Talk to a mental health specialist to create a personalized strategy for managing anger, shame, and guilt.

In this blog, you’ll hear from women who have been through the highs and lows of Bipolar disorder and how embracing gratitude has helped them heal. Whether you’re newly diagnosed or have been managing Bipolar disorder for years, these stories offer hope and practical tips for incorporating gratitude into your own life. Let’s dive in!

What is Bipolar Disorder? Understanding the Basics

Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings, ranging from emotional highs (Mania) to deep lows (Depression). There are different types—Bipolar I, Bipolar II, and Cyclothymia—but for many women, the emotional rollercoaster can feel overwhelming.

For women, Bipolar disorder can be especially tough due to hormonal changes that affect mood stability. From menstrual cycles to pregnancy and menopause, these hormonal shifts can make the symptoms of Bipolar even more unpredictable. It’s a daily struggle, but there are ways to manage it, and gratitude can be one of those tools.

The Science Behind Gratitude and Mental Health

Gratitude isn’t just about being polite. It actually changes your brain chemistry. When you practice gratitude, your brain releases dopamine and serotonin—those feel-good chemicals that help improve your mood. Studies have shown that people who regularly practice gratitude experience less stress, better sleep, and higher levels of happiness.

For women with Bipolar disorder, practicing gratitude can help build emotional resilience. By focusing on what’s going right, even during tough times, you can shift your perspective and reduce the intensity of depressive episodes.

Personal Stories: Starting with Me

Gratitude Journaling During Depressive Episodes
When I’m feeling low, it’s hard to see anything positive. But I keep a gratitude journal to help me through those times. Every day, I write down three things I’m grateful for, no matter how small. Sometimes it’s as simple as being thankful for a warm cup of coffee or a call from a friend. This small practice keeps me grounded and helps me shift my focus from what’s wrong to what’s right.

Daily Acts of Appreciation to Stabilize Mood
I once had a romantic partner who always said, “Thanks, I appreciate you” to everyone—whether it was a server at a restaurant or a cashier at the grocery store. That stuck with me. Now, I say it all the time, to friends, family, and even strangers. It’s a simple way to spread positivity, and it’s amazing how something so small can lift my mood on difficult days.

Finding Gratitude in Mania
During manic episodes, gratitude can feel out of reach. I often feel paranoid, unsure of who’s on my side. In those moments, I look to my faith to help me overcome feelings of hopelessness knowing that there is something greater than myself guiding me through the rough times which keeps me in a space of gratitude because  I’m still alive and still fighting. I also rely on my mental health mentor to remind me that even when I’m unwell, there are still things to be grateful for. Having someone else help me see the good keeps me rooted, even when I can’t see it myself.

Practical Ways to Incorporate Gratitude into Your Recovery

Incorporating gratitude into your life doesn’t have to be complicated. Here are a few simple ways to get started:

• Gratitude Journaling: Start by writing down three things you’re grateful for each day. Don’t overthink it—anything from a sunny day to a supportive friend counts.

• Mindfulness and Gratitude: Being present in the moment is a form of gratitude. Take time to notice the little things, whether it’s the sound of birds chirping or the taste of your favorite meal.

• Small Gratitude Habits: Try saying “thank you, I appreciate you” to the people around you. It’s a small gesture, but it can shift your mindset and brighten someone else’s day too.

Overcoming Challenges: When Gratitude Feels Impossible

There will be days when finding gratitude feels impossible, especially during depressive episodes. It’s okay to feel that way. Gratitude isn’t about ignoring the pain or pretending everything’s fine—it’s about acknowledging the good, even in the midst of hardship.

In these moments, therapy and support groups can help. Talking through your struggles with a therapist or peers can provide new perspectives, making it easier to see the silver linings. And remember, it’s okay to give yourself grace. No one feels grateful 100% of the time, and that’s perfectly normal.

How Gratitude Can Improve Relationships for Women with Bipolar Disorder

Gratitude has a ripple effect on the people around you. By expressing appreciation to friends, family, and romantic partners, you strengthen those bonds and build trust. This is especially important for women with Bipolar disorder, as our loved ones often bear the brunt of our mood swings. Taking time to show gratitude for their support can go a long way in maintaining healthy relationships.

Whether it’s a simple “thank you” or a random act of kindness, incorporating gratitude into your relationships can improve communication and create deeper connections.

Final Thoughts

Gratitude may seem like a small thing, but as these personal stories show, it has the power to transform your mental health and relationships. For women managing Bipolar disorder, gratitude can be a grounding practice that provides hope, even on the hardest days.

Whether you start with a gratitude journal or a simple daily “thank you, I appreciate you” to someone who needs to hear it, the key is consistency. Gratitude is a practice, and with time, it can shift your mindset in powerful ways. Remember, recovery is a journey, and it’s important to be grateful for every small step toward your ultimate goal of wellness. 

Wishing you a Thanksgiving filled with family, feasting and gratitude!