Onika L. Dainty

The healing process is not easy, it's hard work. It’s a decision you have to make daily to change the circumstance that is holding you back from being your best self and living the life you deserve. When we experience pain, loss or deep trauma we think that the best way to heal is to avoid the realities of our experiences and endure, bury the issues deep down inside and soldier on. However, when we choose this method over facing our pain, loss or trauma we lose a piece of ourselves and stand in the way of our own growth never becoming who we truly meant to be. We fill our subconscious with unresolved emotions and memories of traumatic experiences like a pressure cooker on the verge of explosion because the lid can’t stay on forever. 

Release is a part of the healing process. When you find healthy ways to release your pain, hurt and trauma it can begin the process of finding yourself. It’s like putting the pieces of a puzzle together until you see a whole image, a whole you. When I started my healing journey  important pieces to my puzzle were learning to love myself, have self-compassion remembering my trauma was my circumstance not who I am. I developed self-awareness in my healing journey taking the time to re-learn myself, who I am, what I wanted out of this life, my dreams and my goals for the future and reflecting and reframing the often negative narrative I had been telling myself, a narrative that had kept me stuck.

Through the support of family, friends and my mental healthcare team I have been able to take the steps I needed to to address the experiences in my life that filled me with anxiety, fear, self-loathing and self-doubt. The process was long and arduous, there were watershed tears that cleansed me of my past, there were perspectives revealed that I never considered, there was grieving the loss of the girl I was but also of the woman the trauma turned me into, there were sleepless nights and even more uncomfortable moments. The biggest challenge with the healing process is remembering it's a process and healing doesn’t happen over night. 

I realized healing is an important part of my wellness journey. It's hard work and it’s painful at times but consider if going on your healing journey is worth the destination of being whole again. 

Understanding Self-Compassion and Bipolar Disorder

Self-compassion is the practice of being kind and understanding towards yourself when you experience failure, inadequacy, or suffering. It’s a powerful tool for building resilience and improving mental health. Components of self-compassion include self-kindness, treating yourself with the same kindness you would treat a friend or family member, common humanity, recognizing that your experiences are normal and part of life and mindfulness, being present and accepting of your experiences without judgement.

Benefits of Self-compassion

• Improve mental and physical health

• Reduces feelings of anxiety and depression

• Helps dispel fear of failure

• Creates opportunity to learn from mistakes

• Drives solutions based thinking

• Fosters creativity

• Leads to progress in goals set

There are challenges  to practicing self-compassion when dealing with a mental illness like Bipolar disorder. The mood swings and emotional cycles of the disorder can be rapid and severe. When dealing with high-highs (Mania or Psychosis) for instance, a person may have negative experiences that once in wellness can cause feelings of deep shame or guilt. In many cases your cognition of the negative incident may not be clear so if you do not have a full picture of your suffering, failure or inadequacy practicing self-compassion or any of the components of this becomes more complex. When dealing with low mood (Depression) combined with anxiety symptoms you may experience several cognitive distortions (inaccurate ways of thinking) which can make it extremely difficult to incorporate self-compassion when processing failure, suffering or inadequacy.

For women with Bipolar disorder emotional regulation may look like showing kindness and self-compassion toward the emotion itself rather than the experience that makes you feel the emotion. Essentially, when it comes to self-compassion the key is to allow yourself to feel your feelings even when you are not certain where they come from and why you feel that way. Having a mood disorder like Bipolar disorder is a unique experience full of emotional ups and downs therefore its important to practice mindfulness within self-compassion and remain present in your awareness of your emotions not judging them or the challenging experiences attached to your negative feelings.    

A Bipolar Woman’s Lesson on How Self-Compassion Builds Resilience and Better Mental Health 

 My experiences with mental illness and recovery have taught me that in order to practice self-compassion there are several other abilities I needed to gain. Self-reflection, self-discovery,  self-awareness and self-acceptance were important building blocks before I experienced self-compassion on my journey to resilience and ultimately better mental health. 

For years I believed my educational credentials combined with hard work in various careers would make my family proud, make me feel successful and it would prove to the world that regardless of my mental illness I was like everyone else. However the reality was different, no matter how hard I worked or how much success I gained within the first year in a position I was either terminated or had to quit due to circumstances related to my mental illness.

This cycle continued most of my adult life and recovery felt impossible. So I started to do the two things that gave me hope: daily prayers and daily letters of encouragement to myself. These two practices acted as tools of self-reflection allowing me to ask questions that only I could answer. I discovered that I still had the desire to achieve my mental health goals as well as pursue my dreams but it was going to take hard work. Through therapy, counselling and a lot of self-care I became aware of where my responsibilities were regarding my lack of progress and I was able to take accountability for my mental health.

I realized that my mental illness wasn’t stopping me from being my best self, I was. By not giving my illness the time and respect it deserved, by living in other people’s purpose instead of my own, I had done myself a disservice. I wasn’t a failure nor was I inadequate, I had misplaced my focus and energy in hopes of pleasing others. I realized every failure I experienced was a lesson and an opportunity for personal growth and a deeper understanding of my Bipolar disorder. I finally showed myself self-compassion and that helped build my resilience for all that is to come in my mental health journey.    

Practical Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

Along the way I have learned some practical techniques for cultivating Self-compassion. These practices can be used at any stage of your self-compassion journey. I’ve found each helpful when negative thoughts or cognitive distortion (inaccurate ways of thinking) affect positive mental health outcomes. 

• Mindfulness techniques: Staying present without judgment of the experience or emotions attached to it.

• Self-kindness practices: Speaking to yourself as you would a friend or family member.

• Journaling for self-reflection: Writing prompts to challenge negative self-talk. Write letters to yourself and re-read with the goal of challenging your own perspective.

• Building a self-compassion toolkit: Fill your toolkit with positive affirmations, grounding exercises like “earthing”, and self-care rituals like good sleep hygiene and meditation

• Therapeutic approaches: Speak to your mental healthcare team about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) both promote self-compassion in their practice.

The Role of Community and Support Systems

The people you surround yourself with can have an impact on your ability to feel self-compassion. It’s important to build a supportive team of people who understand your mental illness and the journey of self-compassion you are embarking on. There are resources in your community to help assist you in building the best circle of support. Below are some suggestions on where to begin:

• Connecting with others:  Peer support is an excellent way to build self-compassion because these support workers have lived experience with mental illness and can help you feel understood.

• Online and in-person support groups: Sitting in on a group where you and other members share common interests and experiences can be a good resource for finding your tribe.

• Educating family and friends: Encouraging loved ones to support your journey toward self-compassion by educating them on your mental illness and the challenges you’ve experienced can give them insight on the importance of self-compassion.

Final Thoughts

Self-compassion is a difficult but rewarding practice that is important for the healing journey. When dealing with Bipolar disorder often characterized by emotional ups and downs it is essential to show compassion for your experiences but also for the emotions attached to those hard experiences as they are a part of your history. Developing abilities such as self-reflection, self-discovery, self-awareness and self-acceptance are important pillars that go hand-in-hand with practicing self-compassion. When you come to the realization that the old methods of self-loathing and self-recrimination do not speak to your current mental health and wellness goals and experiences attempting a different approach filled with self-kindness, mindfulness and self-compassion can lead you to a new way of relating to yourself and your mental illness. 

Remember, the journey to self-compassion isn’t about ignoring or forgetting the struggles of your past, rather the journey becomes possible when you give yourself grace when reflecting on your experiences and you continue to show yourself kindness when you discover both the positive and not-so-positive aspects of the emotional experiences faced on your journey to wellness.  

I had no idea that what began as a childhood hobby would turn into a means of communicating my healing journey and lived experiences with mental illness, substance use and trauma. My creative journey acts as more than an outlet for my mental health struggles, it’s also become a passionate form of release I used to reach others in need of empathy and understanding on their own journey.

Finding My Creative Inspiration in Others 

Over the years I have met many people like myself, with similar experiences, traumas and mental illnesses that use various creative outlets to express themselves while trying to cope with the harsh realities that come with mental illness. I have been hospitalized with poets, singers, visual artists, self-taught pianists and guitarists. What we all had in common was the longing to find peace in the chaos of our minds through our chosen mediums. 

Creativity is not unique to those with Bipolar disorder or other mental illness; what is unique however is our shared need to use creativity to heal our mind, bodies and souls. Every individual that I have met on my creative journey that uses their own creativity to express their struggles has inspired me to move forward in my journey to wellness, they have encouraged me to continue to use my chosen medium of writing to heal myself and help others.   

The Highs and Lows of Creativity

My ability to express myself through writing also aids me in understanding when I’m experiencing my manic highs and depressive lows. When I’m manic I tend to write more as well as think faster than the words can be put on the page. My manic writing style flows fast and furious but my mind expands into a creative realm I have never been able to reach during periods of wellness or during depressive cycles. When I am experiencing low moods my writing becomes dark reflections on my past experiences and ruminations on my feelings of hopelessness and despair. Wherever my emotions and mindset land in my Bipolar cycle I find that creating a work, any work leads to positive outcomes and better understanding of my mental health. 

Creativity: The Double-edged Sword

Creativity can be over-whelming, acting as a double-edged sword. It's entirely possible to create nothing but insanity on a page regardless of how creative you are. For me writing while in manic-psychosis is an example of this. I have kept the journals I have written in since my first manic episode in 2006. When I examine and reflect on the ramblings of my past all I see is pages and pages of paranoid recordings of a patient trying to find clarity in the chaos of the psychiatric unit. When I am deeply in my illness I look for meaning where there is no meaning, I keep detailed records of what I eat, my sleep patterns, my medication regime. I write letters to the voices in my head, to the people I believed have wronged me and mostly to God. Looking back on these entries is always hard until I inevitably come across a poem or a piece of pros that reminds me that in the midst of madness I’m still me, still creative, still a writer with something worthwhile to say.

Finding Your Creativity 

However you choose to express yourself creatively there are several important benefits to finding an outlet that works for you. Remember, you don’t have to be the next Picasso or have the voice of Whitney Houston. Sometimes finding your creative voice just means stepping out of your comfort zone and having fun. Creativity is about the progress you make on your journey to wellness not being perfect at your chosen craft. 

Tapping into your creativity can assist in emotional regulation, reduce your anxiety and stabilize your mood during the manic highs or depressive lows of Bipolar disorder. Creativity can also promote cognitive focus leading to a calming effect on your mind and body that can help  keep the racing thoughts that often come with Bipolar disorder at bay. Don’t be afraid to take creative risks by trying new hobbies you had previously never considered. Below is a list of ideas for where you can start. Over the years I have tried each on my journey to expand my creativity.

1. Music Therapy (vocal or instrumental)

2. Colouring or Drawing

3. Painting for Anxiety

4. Sculpting

5. Dance Therapy

6. Lyric Writing

7. Therapeutic Writing 

8. Jewelry Making

9. Journaling (prompted, freestyle and gratitude)

10. Drumming

My experiences with several of these hobbies were self-directed; however I was also given the opportunity to explore these creative outlets in community organizations such as Ontario Shores and Durham Mental Health Services (DMHS) recovery college setting which often offers creative courses as they too recognize expressive arts healing power.    

Final Thought

Creativity is a powerful tool for managing bipolar disorder, offering emotional release, focus, and connection. For women navigating this journey, creative expression can turn struggles into strengths, helping to stabilize moods and rediscover joy.

If you’re living with bipolar disorder, consider exploring creative outlets that speak to you. Whether it’s journaling, painting, or even gardening, your creativity has the potential to be both a sanctuary and a superpower. Start small, stay curious, and embrace the healing process—one brushstroke, word, or note at a time.

Be fearless in discovering where your creativity lies because somewhere inside you is the inspiration that can lead you down the path of better mental health and wellness. Remember, everyday is an opportunity to do something you’ve never done before.

Bipolar I disorder is a mood disorder characterized by extreme highs (hypomanic, manic and psychotic episodes) and extreme lows (depressive episodes). When living with Bipolar I disorder it is necessary to take some form of medication to manage these drastic pendulums of moods otherwise you would be in constant flux between severe illness and short periods of stability. 

My medication journey started over 20 years ago and I have had both ups and downs when trying to find a medication cocktail that works best with my Bipolar disorder. Before I get into more details I would like to add that using medication to manage your Bipolar symptoms is a personal choice. Not everyone agrees with Western medicine and the methods it uses, however for me I have found that currently Bipolar disorder medications speak to my experience with this illness and I take medication daily for my mental health and sustained wellbeing.

There are four classes of medications used to address the various symptoms related to Bipolar disorder:

• Antidepressants: a class of medications used to treat depression and other mental health conditions. They work by increasing the activity of neurotransmitters in the brain. Side effects include-vomiting, diarrhea, weight gain, dry mouth, headaches, anxiety, sedation, tremors, constipation and in some cases thoughts of suicide.  

• Anticonvulsant: also known as anti-seizure medication is a class of medications that prevents or treats seizures and convulsions. They work by controlling abnormal electrical activity in the brain. Side effects include-drowsiness, fatigue, headaches, dizziness, nausea, blurred vision, stomach upset, weight gain or loss; rare but serious side effects include Stevens-Johnson's syndrome, liver failure, psychosis and lupus.

• Mood Stabilizers: a class of medications used to treat mood disturbances, such as Mania and Depression, and to help prevent manic and depressive episodes. They can also help reduce symptoms of Mania, such as rapid mood changes, sleep difficulties, racing thoughts, and risky behaviors. Lithium is the most widely used mood stabilizing drug.Side effects include-itchy skin or rashes, increased thirst, frequent urination, nausea, vomiting, slurred speech, blackouts, changes in vision, seizures, loss of coordination, weight gain, fatigue, headaches, drowsiness, dizziness, impaired memory, difficulty concentrating, hair loss, changes in menstrual cycle.

• Antipsychotics: a class of medication used to treat symptoms of psychosis, such as hallucinations, delusions and disorganized thinking. They work by altering brain chemistry to reduce psychotic symptoms and prevent them from returning. Side effects include-drowsiness, dizziness, dry mouth, blurred vision, tiredness, nausea, constipation, weight gain, trouble sleeping, tremors, stiffness, agitation, fluid retention, sexual problems, headaches, loss of menstrual periods in women, breast tenderness, muscle or nervous system problems. 

My Medication Journey

My medication journey had a rocky start in 2006, after my first manic-psychotic episode. I was given a cocktail of mood stabilizers, anticonvulsants and antipsychotics to stabilize me during what can only be called an extreme first episode. There are what I now call standard side effects like tiredness, drowsiness, tremors, increased appetite and dry mouth, that for me have come with the territory of taking this medication combination. 

However, three weeks after taking an anticonvulsant and mood stabilizer called Epival (Divalproex) I developed a rare and severe side effect called Stevens-Johnson syndrome, a flesh-eating skin disease that affects less than 1% of patients that take it. Once my medical team realized what was happening I was taken off this medication and put on Lithium which remains the main mood stabilizer I take daily. 

My Journey with Weight Gain and Medication

After extensive research and a lot of trial and error I have discovered that there are no Bipolar medications currently available where possible weight gain is not a side effect. For myself, it's the combination of mood stabilizers and antipsychotics that lead to increased appetite and weight gain. Both classes of medications have a weight gain component so when you put them together the likelihood of increased weight is inevitable for me. I have tried almost every combination of medication for my Bipolar and the one side effect that remains constant is gaining weight either an extreme amount (50lbs-80lbs) or a manageable amount (10lbs-15lbs). The only method I’ve found to combat this problematic side effect is being mindful about my diet and incorporating exercise into my daily routine. 

Though I still find it difficult to lose weight I am able to maintain the number I see on the scale. A large part of medication management is self-love, self-acceptance and self-awareness. It was important for me to learn to love the skin I’m  in and not focus on the weight. It's about realizing that in my experiences  the positive effects of taking medication outweigh the negative side effects like weight gain and I have to give myself grace regardless of where the numbers land. Yes, my body isn’t always the size I desire but where would my mind be without the medication? If you are not there yet it’s also important to advocate for yourself with your medical team to find a combination of medications that suit your needs both mentally and physically. I’ve been on this medication journey for a very long time and I’ve realized certain side effects for me come with the territory and I am still learning to accept that. 

My Journey with Medication Non-Compliance

There have been many times on my medication journey where the side effects became so overwhelming I stopped taking my meds all together. Other times I was actually doing well on my medication and I stopped for that very reason–I was doing well and convinced myself I was better and didn’t need them. In either scenario, I had some hard lessons to learn from medication non-compliance. My current reality is I have a severe mood disorder called Bipolar I which means my brain chemistry is imbalanced causing extreme mood swings that go from Hypomania or Mania (high-highs) to Manic-psychosis (losing touch with reality) to Depression (low-lows). 

Without a medication regimen that keeps me balanced my brain is in constant flux between these extreme emotional states. When I take my medication as prescribed and I don’t use other outside substances I can maintain a baseline (stable mood) that allows me to live a full and enriching life. When I am non-compliant with my medication I enter chaos where I can do irreparable damage to my life and the lives of those around me.

Another aspect of medication non-compliance that is rarely discussed is there is no guarantee the medication cocktail that originally stabilized you will work after you have another Bipolar episode due to stopping your meds. Every episode is like a fingerprint, unique in that the physiological and psychological damage that is done is different in every episode and must be treated differently. For example, For seven years my therapeutic Lithium levels created a mood baseline. When I stopped taking my medication I had several manic-psychotic episodes due to a dangerously low Lithium level.  After hospitalization when Lithium was reintroduced to my system doctors had to give me the highest level of the medication for a longer period of time to stabilize me. Essentially, this process changed my Bipolar I disorder mood baseline.

Final Thoughts

 I used to take a handful of prescribed pills a day to manage my illness, swallowing them all was excruciating. I would look at them and say to myself “Only for now, not forever.” What I wasn’t able to see or accept until now was that medication will probably always be a part of my mental health journey but through  self-advocacy and determination I have worked with my medical team to cut my daily medication intake down by more than half which is much easier to swallow. By practicing self-compassion, self-love and self-acceptance I’m learning that side effects like weight gain are simply a trade off for stability not a character deficit or personal failure.

Like almost all things in life, taking medication to manage your mental illness is a choice. I have chosen to incorporate medication management on my journey to wellness. There are people in my life that are grateful for me staying compliant with my medication regimen and others who are always ready to offer alternative treatments to my Bipolar I disorder. Only you can decide what's right for you. I have experienced life both on and off medication and I prefer to use medication as a tool to enhance my mental health and manage my illness. I am well researched on new and emerging medication options for Bipolar disorder and I speak with my pharmacist and psychiatrist regularly about how to continue to have positive experiences through medication and mitigate the negative side effects that cause problems on my journey to better health.

Everyone’s medication journey will look and feel different. The side effects that are a challenge for me may not be a part of your story. That’s why it’s important to have these honest conversations that take us beyond the stigma of taking mental health medications by sharing our trials about the adverse effects these medications have on our mind and body. If you want to share any part of your medication journey  I would love to hear from you, please comment below.  

If you or someone you know is on a mental health medication journey speak with your pharmacist to discover what’s new in the mental health medication world that can help you find a cocktail that suits your unique needs.Remember, you are not alone, so let’s continue the conversation in hopes of fostering hope, change and understanding on our path to wellness.