Onika L. Dainty

Understanding Bipolar Disorder and Its Treatment

Living with Bipolar I disorder means navigating a spectrum of emotions, from the highest highs to the lowest lows. Commonly prescribed treatments include mood stabilizers and antipsychotics, which help maintain balance and reduce the frequency of episodes. It’s essential to follow these treatment plans closely and communicate openly with healthcare providers. Each medication plays a specific role, and understanding that is vital for managing the disorder effectively.

My Wellness Retreat Experience: A Cautionary Tale

A while back, I attended a wellness retreat that promised holistic healing through natural supplements. Eager to explore alternative approaches, I experimented with Nattokinase, Bromelain, and Curcumin, believing they could enhance my mental clarity and emotional balance. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that mixing these supplements with my prescribed antipsychotics and mood stabilizers was a dangerous decision.

Shortly after beginning this regimen, I experienced a psychotic episode that shook me to my core. The combination of supplements and medications created a perfect storm, intensifying my symptoms and plunging me into a state of confusion and fear. It was a harrowing experience, and in the aftermath, I found myself questioning everything. I wondered if I should come off my medications entirely and rely solely on supplements for my mental health. Looking back, I realize how misguided that thought was, fueled by the desire to find a “natural” solution.

The Risks of Self-Medicating with Supplements

While I’ve often been drawn to the idea of using natural supplements to enhance my mental health, the risks can be significant. Many people underestimate how supplements can interact with their medications. For instance, certain herbal supplements like St. John’s Wort, which is often touted for its mood-enhancing properties, can reduce the effectiveness of antidepressants and lead to dangerous side effects. I’ve heard stories of individuals who, in their search for relief, found themselves grappling with intensified symptoms. The supplement industry is also notoriously unregulated, leaving consumers vulnerable to products that may not be safe or effective. It’s important to remember that Bipolar I disorder is a chemical imbalance in the brain and not every chemical or supplement is designed to stabilize this imbalance. 

The Impact of Specific Supplements

In my search for alternative treatments, I also tried Lion’s Mane, a mushroom supplement that promotes focus and a supplement called True Hope, which is marketed for depression. While some swear by their benefits, I found that they did a number on me. Rather than providing clarity or relief, they only compounded my struggles, reinforcing my realization that these are not suitable options for someone with Bipolar I disorder.

It’s essential to emphasize that supplements may not only fail to provide the relief we seek; they can worsen our condition. The alluring idea of using “natural” products can be misleading, particularly for those of us who are already vulnerable.

Consulting Your Healthcare Provider

One of the most important steps in managing Bipolar disorder is having open communication with healthcare providers. If you’re considering taking supplements, it’s crucial to discuss this with your doctor or psychiatrist. They can provide guidance and assess any potential risks based on your specific situation. There’s no need to feel judged; remember, healthcare professionals are there to support your journey. They can help you navigate the complexities of your treatment plan and ensure that you’re making safe choices.

Alternative Strategies for Mental Health Management

Instead of relying on supplements, I’ve found that focusing on non-supplement-based strategies has made a significant difference in my life. Therapy, regular exercise, and mindfulness practices have become my cornerstones for mental well-being. I’ve learned that nutrition plays a vital role, too. Eating a balanced diet filled with whole foods can have a profound impact on how we feel. Some vitamins can be beneficial but once again it is important to consult your health care provider to see if they will work with your current medication regime. Surrounding myself with a supportive community has also been essential. We can lean on each other and share strategies that truly work.

Final Thoughts

It’s vital to prioritize safety and well-being when managing Bipolar I disorder. While the allure of supplements can be tempting, the potential risks often outweigh the benefits. I cannot stress enough that those of us with Bipolar disorder should approach supplements with extreme caution—or better yet, avoid them entirely. Always consult with your healthcare team before making any changes to your treatment plan. Remember, you’re not alone on this path—support and effective management strategies are available. Take care of yourself, and let’s continue to learn and grow together.

If you're interested in further exploring the journey of managing Bipolar disorder, be sure to check out my blog, "How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide." It’s filled with valuable insights and tips to help you along the way.

For many women, fear and anxiety are the most common by-products of trauma. The pressures we face in society—to excel in our careers, maintain flawless relationships, and uphold family dynamics—create a breeding ground for fear of failure and fear of judgment. When compounded with Bipolar disorder, these feelings become amplified. We often find ourselves grappling with the idea that we are somehow "less than" because our minds operate differently, leading to an intense stigma rooted in fear.

Understanding Fear in the Context of Bipolar Disorder

Unaddressed trauma creates a permanent space for fear in our minds, dictating our actions, behaviors, and decision-making processes. When I first began to understand my Bipolar disorder, my biggest fear was rejection. Would people accept me if they knew I had a serious mental illness? Would my family still love me after the chaos of a manic episode? Would my friends still want me around when things got heavy? The constant questions loomed large in my mind, fueled by a society that often portrays those of us with mental health conditions as dangerous, volatile, or unpredictable.

In the beginning, my fear felt suffocating. I worried about losing my job due to burnout and exhaustion. I feared hospitalization and the potential side effects of medication, especially the dread of tardive dyskinesia. Each thought spiraled into an overwhelming anxiety that often left me paralyzed, struggling to engage with the world around me.

Breaking Down the Stigma and Finding Self-Acceptance

To combat these fears, I quickly learned the importance of self-love and self-acceptance. Surrounding myself with supportive, patient, and understanding individuals became crucial. I needed to find my tribe—people who could appreciate me for who I am, even during the challenging moments of my journey. As I began to embrace this support system, I found a community that reinforced my strength rather than my fears.

One of the most liberating realizations I had was that my fears, while valid, did not define me. I started practicing mindfulness and meditation to ground myself during overwhelming moments. These practices helped me clear my mind and refocus my thoughts. I learned to breathe through the anxiety and remind myself, “This too shall pass.” This sentiment became a comforting mantra, allowing me to navigate the peaks and valleys of my mental health journey.

Spirituality and Affirmations as Anchors

In my quest for stability, I turned to spirituality, which played a vital role in helping me manage my fear. One of my favorite quotes, “The only way out is through,” attributed to Robert Frost, reminds me that there is no going back with Bipolar disorder—only forward, regardless of the fears that may arise. I also posted daily affirmations on my bedroom wall: “For God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.” This affirmation serves as a reminder that I am capable and deserving of a fulfilling life.

While I try to manage my anxiety naturally, there are times when the weight of my fears becomes too much to bear. When my coping mechanisms fail, I turn to my PRN medication, using it only as needed. I’ve learned to see medication as a tool, not a crutch—a means to help me reclaim control over my life when fear threatens to overwhelm me.

The Power of Talk Therapy

I am a firm believer in talk therapy. Speaking with a counselor or therapist can provide a sounding board to help dispel fears and anxieties. Voicing my concerns out loud often diminishes their power, allowing me to confront the fears that once felt insurmountable. In these sessions, I learned to explore the roots of my anxiety, gaining insights that have been instrumental in my journey toward healing.

As a public speaker, I also face my fears head-on by sharing my story. Speaking my truth can be both terrifying and empowering. Each time I take the stage, I confront the fear of judgment and rejection, reminding myself that my voice matters. Through advocacy, I strive to educate others about mental health, helping to dismantle the stigma that often isolates us.

Facing Fears in Advocacy and Daily Life

Advocating for myself and my mental health is another way I face my fears. Whether I’m discussing medication management with my psychiatrist or navigating a hospital setting, I refuse to let fear dictate my journey. I remind myself that my ultimate goal is a fulfilling life and a successful future. I deserve to be heard, seen, and treated with dignity, regardless of my mental health status.

However, fear can still be pervasive. I often grapple with the fear of not returning to baseline after an episode. The anxiety of wondering whether I’ll ever have children—naturally or through adoption—sometimes weighs heavily on my heart. I fear that my genetics might be passed on, leaving a legacy of mental illness for future generations. The fear of never finding a healthy, supportive romantic relationship lingers, as does the anxiety of ending up isolated and alone.

Transforming Fear into Empowerment

Despite these fears, I am committed to transforming them into empowerment. Each fear I face teaches me something valuable about myself and the world. I’ve learned that while fear can be paralyzing, it can also be a powerful motivator for change. By confronting my anxieties, I am gradually reclaiming my narrative and embracing my identity as a woman living with Bipolar disorder.

It’s essential to recognize that fear is a shared experience. Many women, especially those navigating mental health challenges, carry similar burdens. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can dismantle the stigma that surrounds mental illness and empower ourselves to live authentically.

For a deeper understanding of how to manage Bipolar disorder and navigate the accompanying fears, check out my comprehensive guide, How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide.

Final Thoughts

Embrace the Journey

Navigating fear as a woman living with Anxiety and Bipolar disorder is a complex journey. It requires self-love, acceptance, and a commitment to facing our fears head-on. By cultivating supportive relationships, practicing mindfulness, and advocating for ourselves, we can create a fulfilling life despite the challenges we face.

Remember, fear does not have to dictate our actions. As we embrace the mantra “Feel the fear and do it anyway,” we open ourselves up to new possibilities, resilience, and hope. Our stories matter, and by sharing them, we empower not only ourselves but also those around us who may be navigating similar paths.

Understand What Self-Care Means to You

Self-care is not a one-size-fits-all approach. It requires introspection and exploration to discover what resonates with you personally. For me, the simple act of making my bed each day has become a significant ritual. It signifies my commitment to creating a stable environment, especially on days when everything feels topsy-turvy. A made bed offers a sense of accomplishment and order, which can be incredibly grounding during challenging times.

Reflecting on my experience, I realize that when my bed is made, I’m more likely to embrace the day with a positive mindset. Conversely, when I’m unwell, the state of my bed can mirror my mental chaos. This small act serves as a powerful reminder of how much our surroundings influence our state of mind.

Create an Organized Space

An organized home often reflects my mental state. If clutter starts to accumulate, it’s a clear sign that I need to check in with myself. Keeping my living space tidy doesn’t just make it more pleasant to inhabit; it also serves as a barometer for my well-being. I’ve learned that when I’m feeling overwhelmed, a disorganized home can heighten my anxiety and exacerbate my mood swings.

Creating a calming and organized space is, therefore, a proactive form of self-care. I take the time to declutter and arrange my surroundings thoughtfully, transforming my home into a sanctuary that nurtures my spirit. This practice fosters a sense of peace and helps me maintain control, especially during turbulent times.

Embrace Your Personal Style

Caring for my hair and indulging in thrift shopping are more than physical acts; they’re opportunities for self-expression and creativity. For me, the act of taking care of my appearance is a way of reclaiming my identity during times when I might feel lost or disconnected. Choosing outfits that reflect my mood or trying out a new hairstyle becomes a form of empowerment.

Beautifying and decorating my home is another creative outlet. Each piece I select reflects a part of my journey and personality. Refinishing furniture isn’t just a hobby; it’s a metaphor for renewal—both in my living space and in my own life. Through these creative endeavors, I cultivate a sense of agency over my environment, which can be especially powerful when life feels chaotic.

Reflect Through Writing

Writing has been a crucial part of my self-care routine. Reading my own journals and composing “dear me” letters provide a profound way to connect with myself. These practices allow me to reflect on my journey, understand my feelings, and document my progress. Journaling becomes a therapeutic space where I can express my thoughts without judgment.

When I revisit my entries, I’m often struck by the resilience I’ve demonstrated through my struggles. This reflection offers clarity and helps me recognize patterns in my mood and behavior, enabling me to navigate future challenges more effectively. Writing serves as a mirror, reflecting my inner thoughts and feelings, and helps me gain insights into my mental health.

Prioritize Your Well-Being

A consistent skin-care routine might seem like a minor detail in the grand scheme of things, but it’s an essential act of self-love that reinforces my sense of worth. Taking the time to nurture my skin reminds me that I deserve care and attention. Each step of my routine—cleansing, moisturizing, and pampering myself—becomes a ritual of affirmation.

This practice cultivates a mindset of self-acceptance and gratitude, fostering a deeper connection with my body and my spirit. It’s these little rituals that accumulate into a larger practice of self-care, reminding me that I am worthy of love and care, regardless of my mental state.

Find Joy in Movement

One of my favorite self-care practices is singing and dancing in my kitchen. When I turn on my favorite tunes and let loose, I tap into a source of joy that can break through the heaviness of anxiety or depression. It’s liberating to express myself freely in my own space. This joyful movement allows me to reconnect with my inner child, reminding me that even in the midst of challenges, joy can coexist with struggle.

This practice not only elevates my mood but also encourages physical movement, which has its own therapeutic benefits. Whether it’s an upbeat pop song or a soulful ballad by Drake, dancing allows me to release pent-up energy and express my emotions in a joyful, creative way.

Final Thoughts

Self-care isn’t merely about pampering ourselves; it’s about recognizing our unique needs and cultivating practices that nourish our well-being. It’s a continuous journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. Embracing self-care means loving yourself enough to invest time and energy into your own happiness, and that is a powerful act in itself.

As you explore your own self-care journey, I encourage you to consider what practices resonate with you. What small acts can you incorporate into your daily routine to foster a deeper sense of well-being? I invite you to share your thoughts or experiences in the comments. We’re all in this together, navigating the highs and lows of life. As we learn from each other, we can continue to find our paths toward healing and resilience.

If you're interested in further exploring the journey of managing Bipolar disorder, be sure to check out my blog, "How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide." It’s filled with valuable insights and tips to help you along the way.

I used to feel sorry for myself, believing that my diagnosis was a curse. But the more I learned about myself and my condition, the more I realized that Bipolar has been one of the most significant shaping forces in my life—shaping not only how I view the world but how I view myself.

This is my journey of discovering how Bipolar disorder helped form my identity, not as a victim but as a fighter, a survivor, and someone who strives to make the most out of every high and low.

Embracing Bipolar Disorder as a Gift, Not a Curse

In the beginning, Bipolar disorder felt like a heavy burden I couldn’t escape. The mood swings, the unpredictability of manic highs followed by depressive lows—it was overwhelming. There were days when I felt defeated, unable to cope, and trapped by my own mind. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-pity in those moments. I used to feel sorry for myself, convincing myself that life had dealt me a bad hand.

But one day, something changed. When I began to study Peer Support, I gained knowledge and understanding that everything that I had endured over the years could be used to help others like me who felt lost trying to navigate the complex world of mental health. I realized that my illness wasn’t a curse—it was a gift, something I could use to effect positive change in others struggling. No, it didn’t always feel like a gift. Some days, it still doesn’t. But what Bipolar disorder has given me is a unique perspective on life. It has taught me to fight, to become more resilient, and to recognize my inner strength.

A Fighter and Survivor: Owning My Resilience

Living with Bipolar disorder has made me resilient in ways I never thought possible. It’s one thing to face external challenges, but when the battle is inside your own head, it forces you to develop a different kind of toughness. You can’t run from it or escape it. You have to face it head-on, every day. And that’s exactly what I’ve done.

I no longer feel like a victim. I’m not someone who blames others or uses Bipolar disorder as a scapegoat for bad behavior. Accountability is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned through this journey. It’s easy to shift blame when life feels out of control, but taking responsibility for my choices has been empowering.

There’s a stereotype that people with Bipolar disorder can be unpredictable or make poor choices and then blame their illness for it. But I’ve never allowed myself to fall into that pattern. Yes, my condition affects my mood and my energy, but it doesn’t control my actions. I choose how I respond to those fluctuations. Accountability is key.

Bipolar Disorder: My Superpower of Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is perhaps the greatest gift that Bipolar disorder has given me. The mood swings, while challenging, force me to tune into my emotions on a level that many people never have to. I’m constantly checking in with myself, assessing how I feel and why. This level of introspection has made me more aware of not only my emotional state but also my triggers, my strengths, and my limitations.

In a world where so many people are on autopilot, never stopping to reflect on their inner world, I’ve been given the opportunity—perhaps even the necessity—of deep self-reflection. This awareness has made me more in tune with my needs, helping me recognize when I need to slow down, ask for help, or take a break. It’s also given me the insight to make healthier choices, and it has improved my relationships, allowing me to communicate more clearly with the people around me.

Knowing more about myself has boosted my confidence, both in managing my disorder and in navigating life in general. When you understand what makes you tick, you gain control over your own narrative. And for someone with a mood disorder, that’s a powerful thing.

Advocacy and Finding My Voice

One of the most significant ways Bipolar disorder has shaped my identity is in my role as an advocate—not just for myself, but for others in the mental health community. For years, I hid my condition, afraid of judgment or being seen as “less than.” But the more I learned to accept Bipolar as part of my identity, the more I realized how many people were struggling in silence, just like I had.

That’s when I knew I had to speak up. I started sharing my story, opening up about my experiences, and advocating for mental health awareness. I’m not afraid to talk about Bipolar disorder anymore. In 2019 I had the courage to share my experiences on a national platform when I became one of five people chosen to be The Face of Mental Illness for Bell Let’s Talk, a national campaign promoting mental health awareness. I take pride in being able to educate others, to break down the stigma that so often surrounds mental health conditions.

This advocacy isn’t just for others; it’s for myself too. By standing up for mental health awareness, I’ve become an advocate for my own needs. I’ve learned to set boundaries, to ask for support when I need it, and to be unapologetic about prioritizing my mental well-being.

Bipolar and the Power of Positivity

It might seem counterintuitive to associate positivity with Bipolar disorder, but I’ve found that practicing positivity has been a crucial part of my journey. When you’re dealing with mood swings and unpredictable emotions, it’s easy to get caught in a cycle of negativity. But I’ve made a conscious choice to focus on the positive aspects of my life—and even of my disorder.

Yes, Bipolar disorder brings challenges. But it’s also brought me closer to the people I care about, allowed me to tap into a wellspring of creativity, and given me a deep sense of empathy for others who are struggling. I’ve become more compassionate, more patient, and more appreciative of the good days. I focus on the positives, not because the negatives don’t exist, but because I choose not to let them define me.

Hope has been a constant companion on this journey. It’s what gets me through the tough days and reminds me that every low will eventually pass. My hope isn’t naive; it’s grounded in experience. I’ve lived through enough episodes to know that even the darkest times don’t last forever. That’s why I’m fearless when it comes to facing my condition. I know that whatever comes next, I can handle it.

Bipolar Disorder: Fuel for Creativity and Insight

One of the more unexpected gifts of Bipolar disorder has been its effect on my creativity. During my manic phases, I experience bursts of energy, creativity, and inspiration that feel almost unstoppable. I’ve channeled that energy into various creative outlets—writing, art, music. These moments of creative flow have given me a deep appreciation for my mind's capacity to think outside the box, to innovate, and to create beauty even from chaos.

Of course, the depressive phases can be debilitating, and they often sap my energy and creativity. But even in those moments, I’ve learned to tap into a different kind of insight—one that comes from reflection, from sitting with my emotions and understanding them on a deeper level. This balance between the highs and lows has taught me to appreciate both states of being, each bringing its own form of wisdom and growth.

Faith, Self-Love, and Acceptance

Over the years, Bipolar disorder has forced me to cultivate self-love and acceptance. In the beginning, I struggled with feelings of shame, wondering why I couldn’t just be “normal.” But the more I’ve embraced my condition, the more I’ve come to see that “normal” is subjective. There’s no one right way to live or to be, and my experience with Bipolar disorder is just one of many paths.

This acceptance has strengthened my faith—not just in a higher power, but in myself. I have faith in my ability to navigate life’s challenges, to rise above the lows, and to keep moving forward even when things feel difficult. This faith is rooted in self-love. I’ve learned to love myself not in spite of Bipolar disorder, but because of it. It’s made me who I am, and for that, I’m grateful.

Final Thoughts: Bipolar Disorder as a Catalyst for Growth

Living with Bipolar Disorder is not easy, and it’s not something I would wish on anyone. But for me, it has been a catalyst for personal growth and transformation. It has shaped my identity in profound ways, teaching me resilience, self-awareness, accountability, and compassion.

I no longer view Bipolar disorder as a curse. Instead, I see it as part of my journey—one that has made me stronger, more self-aware, and more connected to the world around me. It has given me the opportunity to become an advocate, to practice positivity, and to embrace my creativity.

Most importantly, Bipolar disorder has taught me that we are not defined by our struggles, but by how we choose to respond to them. And for that, I am grateful. If you're interested in further exploring the journey of managing Bipolar disorder, be sure to check out my blog, "How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide." It’s filled with valuable insights and tips to help you along the way.

I’m writing this today as a 41-year-old woman diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder, speaking to both my 16-year-old self who first began to struggle, and my 24-year-old self who smoked that last marijuana joint just before my life turned upside down. I want to share with you what I wish I’d known back then, when the warning signs were there, but I couldn’t yet see them for what they were.

The Beginning of Anxiety and Depression

At 16 years-old, I felt anxious all the time. There was this constant knot in my stomach that never seemed to go away. My mind would race at night, making it nearly impossible to sleep. During the day, I would try to appear fine—going to school, hanging out with friends—but deep down, there was a sadness I couldn’t shake. I didn’t know then that these were early signs of Bipolar I disorder. No one talks about mental health in a way that connects with you when you’re young, especially when you grow up in a family where the focus is on getting through the day.

I was living in a home where my mother worked as a registered nurse and my father was an Ontario government real estate manager, providing stability for the family. We had recently moved from Scarborough to the Durham Region. My parents, like many immigrant families, focused on hard work and survival rather than emotions. Mental health was never a topic we sat around and discussed at the dinner table. And because I didn’t understand what I was going through, I dismissed it as “normal teenage stuff.”

But now, looking back, I wish I had known it wasn’t normal. That it was more than just mood swings. Anxiety and Depression were the first signs of something deeper that would unravel my mind in the years ahead.

The Long Road Ahead: It's a Lifelong Illness

One of the hardest truths I had to learn is that Bipolar I disorder is lifelong. It doesn’t go away. There is no “cure” or a quick fix. As a young woman, I held onto the hope that maybe if I could just get through the tough days, the rest would somehow fall into place. But what I didn’t realize is that the highs and lows would continue, and often get worse, if left untreated.

To my 16-year-old self, I wish I could say this: You are not broken, but this is going to be part of your life forever. It's not your fault, you were born with this chemical imbalance and it’s something you’ll have to learn to manage. This disorder will touch every part of your life—your relationships, your career, your body, and your mind. The sooner you learn about it, the better. The earlier you start managing it, the better your life will be.

For anyone facing a Bipolar I diagnosis, I encourage you to read my post, How to Start Managing Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Guide. It’s a resource I wish I had back then, offering practical first steps in taking control of your mental health.

The Reality of Hospitalization

I also wish I had known that hospitalization would become a regular part of my life. As a teenager, I never could have predicted that I’d be in and out of psychiatric hospitals during my twenties and thirties. No one prepares you for the moments when your mind completely betrays you, when the Mania becomes so intense that hospitalization becomes your only option, for your safety and the safety of those around you. 

The first time I was hospitalized, I was terrified. It felt like I had lost control of everything—my mind, my body, my future. Being in a psychiatric ward, restrained, treated like I was dangerous—it was dehumanizing. I felt more like a chained animal than a person. The recovery from each manic episode took months, sometimes longer. The weight of it all was unbearable at times, and I wish I had known earlier that this was part of the reality of living with Bipolar I disorder.

To my younger self: Hospitalization is not a failure. It’s a safety net when you can’t trust your own mind. It’s a place to heal, even though it feels like a prison. And to anyone reading this now who has been hospitalized for mental illness, know that you are not alone, and that it doesn’t define your worth.

Childhood Trauma and Its Impact

I wish someone had told me sooner that my Bipolar I disorder was rooted in childhood trauma. Growing up, I didn’t understand how much my early experiences had shaped the way my brain developed. Trauma has a way of weaving itself into the fabric of who you are, influencing everything—from how you respond to stress to how you manage emotions.

The highs and lows I experienced weren’t just random; they were the result of deep-seeded wounds that had never been addressed. It took me years to understand that my mental health was tied to the trauma I experienced as a child. Trauma isn’t something that just goes away because you grow up. It follows you, and for many people like me, it becomes the foundation for mental illness.

If I could go back, I would tell my younger self: Heal the wounds from your past. Get help to unpack the trauma. Doing that earlier might have changed the course of your life.

The Double-Edged Sword of Medication

Medication is both a blessing and a curse. To this day, I take mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to keep my Bipolar I disorder in check. They help, but they come with their own set of challenges. The side effects can be brutal—weight gain, tremors, constant fatigue. Some days, it feels like the medication that’s supposed to make me better is also making me worse. But without it, I wouldn’t be stable.

To my 24-year-old self, just before I smoked that last joint, I wish I could have told you that the marijuana you were using to cope was only making things worse. Drugs like marijuana and cocaine exacerbated my Bipolar I disorder, throwing me into deeper and more dangerous manic episodes.

I wish I had known that the road to stability would involve so many trade-offs. The medication would save my life, but it would also change my body in ways I hadn’t anticipated.

For those struggling with medication management, I also recommend reading my post, Best Tools and Resources for Managing Bipolar Disorder in 2024. It’s important to find the right balance between treatment and quality of life.

Dangerous Manic Behaviors

Mania is seductive. It makes you feel invincible. During my twenties, I chased that high, not fully understanding how dangerous it was. My manic episodes put me in constant danger, both physically and emotionally. I took risks with my body, my money, and my relationships that I now look back on with disbelief.

I became sexually irresponsible, engaging in behaviors that I later regretted. I was financially reckless, spending money I didn’t have. And through it all, I was completely out of control of my mind. Mania is not just about feeling good—it’s about losing touch with reality.

To my 24-year-old self: You’re not invincible. Mania will take you to places you never imagined—places you may never recover from. Protect yourself. Learn to recognize the signs before you spiral out of control.

The Devastation of Depression

On the other side of Mania is Depression. If Mania felt like flying too close to the sun, Depression felt like falling into a pit I couldn’t climb out of. The depressive episodes that followed were so debilitating, I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t care about anything. They felt endless.

Depression wasn’t just sadness; it was a complete shutdown of my mind and body. It stole months of my life at a time, leaving me in a fog of hopelessness. Recovery from these episodes took everything out of me.

To my younger self: The lows will be dark, but you will survive them. Even when it feels like you can’t keep going, you can. You will come out on the other side, even when it feels impossible.

The Strain on Relationships

One of the hardest parts of living with Bipolar I disorder has been the strain it’s placed on my relationships. My family loves me, but they don’t always understand me. I know that some of them fear me, even though they care. My manic episodes scared them, and my depressive episodes made me a stranger to them.

I’ve exhausted my friends and alienate people I care about because of my illness. When you live with Bipolar I disorder, you often feel like you’re dragging the people around you through the mud. The weight of that guilt is something I carry with me every day.

To my younger self: Some people will leave, and it will hurt. But the people who stay will love you in ways you never imagined. And you will learn to forgive yourself for the strain you put on others.

Final Thoughts

If there’s anything I wish I had known before my Bipolar I disorder diagnosis, it’s that this journey isn’t a solitary one. You will feel isolated at times, and you will feel misunderstood, but there are people who understand—people who have walked this path before you.

You are not alone. And though Bipolar I disorder will be a part of your life forever, it doesn’t have to define you. There is hope, there is healing, and there is life beyond the diagnosis.

To my 16-year-old self: Don’t be afraid to ask for help. To my 24-year-old self: You’re about to go through hell, but you will come out stronger. And to anyone reading this who is struggling with mental illness: Hold on. The journey is long, but you are not alone and you are more than your diagnosis.